A Story of Recovery:
Leap of Faith
On Leap Day, I heard an ad for Leap of Faith Day so I took a leap of faith. That leap was to attend a meeting of Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous which I had previously read about in a health magazine. My thinking bounced between “I’ve died and gone to heaven” and “I may have just joined some sort of cult.” Pouring through my head were the “I’ll never be able to” and “This sponsor lady! Just who does she think she is telling me this?” There were times when I would think to myself as I made the dreaded calls to her, “I can’t do this!” My first month or so in FA was a nightmare of kicking and screaming in my head. I lied, cheated, broke, and was sure I was one of those people known as constitutionally incapable. But the fat was melting off which gave me something to really ponder.
I kept hearing messages from this motivating group of people. They would say things like, “Just keep coming, make your calls, go to bed instead of eat, those who fail to plan, plan to fail,” and most of all, “just take it one day at a time.” Then one day at the very end of March, at one of my meetings, the phrase around the program and rigorous honesty was too loud to ignore any longer. That April, my higher power issued me a challenge and I was forced to ask myself if I was ready to get honest, really truly honest. Ironically it was April fool’s Day and the question became whether or not I would continue to fool around? I prayed to God, “If I am meant to do this program I agree to practice rigorous honesty and want to stay abstinent every day, one day at a time.”
Through the help of this program, my FA sponsor, and all my other FA “angels” it is working. I write this looking back on the past 19 months and 96 pounds (about 54 kilos) released from my 4’10” frame. I look and feel better physically and it seems that there are other parts of the program that seem to be at play here.
Although I’d been talking to God ever since I was a little girl growing up in what appeared a hard-working, religious middle class family I really didn’t listen or follow his will. Whatever the reason, the emotional and sexual abuse I suffered as a child, growing up around people who seem to have a food problem like mine, or genetics, I was highly anxious and didn’t even know it. It became clear that this was a big part of what lay behind my emotional eating.
The following April life gave me much to feel anxious about. God sent me a series of challenges that I believe I could never have made it through without this God-given program. From my mother falling twice and breaking her leg, to my 24 year old daughter being kicked out of our family home. Followed by my decision to leave and start the divorce process while simultaneously uncovering that same daughter had a serious life-changing illness. To add additional pain and suffering my beloved niece was charged with murder while defending herself from her abusive husband. She is in prison after 2 stressful trails and will be released in 3 years. I was still in awe that this could all be happening at once, but I truly believe that God sent me trials so I would stay on program. He knew I may not learn to do his will any other way!
Currently I suffer from sleep apnea and sleep disturbance and I often wonder why. However, there are solutions now. With the help of my counselor (who I believe was also sent from God), I have learned to repeat bible verses at night when I awake and commence sitting in the “Worry rocking chair”. As one of my fellows stated, “You rock, and rock, and rock, but you don’t go anywhere!” One night I was rocking away and I prayed to God for help. Suddenly he sent me my biggest, best spiritual experience. I felt lifted straight up to heaven as all the knotted muscles in my body melted away. I heard heavenly music and a voice telling me, “Everything will be okay!” I saw an outline of the some of the things to come and had a little conversation with God. I saw myself as a little floating angel and all around me were FA angels. I know that if I can just stay on track one day at a time, practicing all my tools of recovery this God-given program will continue to be the heavenly experience, and the solution to my being a food addict. I just have to remember one day a time, and that recovery is spiritual growth, not perfection. Sometimes I get back in that chair, take extra quiet time, read a bible verse, make a phone call, attend a meeting, talk with my sponsor, etc. to keep this spiritual, heavenly solution called FA. Thank you, God!