A Story of Recovery:

Life Management

Before finding my way to FA, my life was more than just unmanageable; it was complete chaos. Unfortunately, I was the only person at fault for that chaos, but I would have never admitted that at the time. I firmly credit six years of daily abstinence to the clear vision I have of my past and my future.

I spent nearly all of my spare time in adolescence and early adulthood obsessing about my body image and the food I was consuming. I was so desperate to be thin and happy—I truly believed that I could not have one without the other. If I could only achieve being thin, than the happiness would be a guaranteed result. So why couldn’t I just put the fork down? I spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours on this obsession. One minute I was “on the wagon” and dieting with the best of them, the next minute I was face down in the food and hating those who could control their eating habits and/or maintain a thin body.

Unfortunately, because I was so wrapped up in my obsession, I lost the ability to manage the other aspects of my life. My friendships had become superficial, and I was full of resentment. My relationship with my then- boyfriend (now husband) was a disaster. I was so full of insecurity and disease that I was incapable of showing up, being honest, and treating myself or others with respect. I hated myself so much for what I viewed as a lack of willpower that I was determined to sabotage everything wonderful in my life. I was dishonest with almost everyone and lacked integrity on all levels.

My finances were a mess. I would spend money on the newest diet, a gym membership, nutritional counseling, or diet drugs, rather than pay my household bills. I would also spend money on new clothes in the middle of the day if I felt too fat in what I was wearing, but I would use my car payment funds or bill money to do this. I had no concept of priorities or obligation to my creditors.

I was spiritually bankrupt. I had no concept of a higher power, and the god of my understanding was cruel and enjoyed punishing me in all sorts of ways. If he wasn’t cruel, then why was I so fat when I desperately wanted to be thin? Why didn’t I have a wonderful relationship and the happiness I so truly deserved? Why had my past been so painful?

I had been to many therapists and spent hours in counseling on these very topics. Nothing ever worked. I would instantly commit to a new diet/way of life and fail, or I would just give up, even before I had the made the effort to start a plan.

One day, while practicing my usual lack of integrity at work, I was surfing the net and decided to look up food addiction. I came across the website for FA, called the number, and found a meeting an hour south of where I live. A wonderful and pleasant woman suggested I come and check out the meeting. I did, and my life has completely changed as a result.

I truly walked into that meeting, expecting to see a bunch of really large women sitting in a circle, complaining about why they can’t get thin. I was prepared to demand a diet plan from the one thin person I had imagined would be there.

What I found instead was a small group of women in healthy bodies with huge smiles on their faces. They spoke of finding the answer to their unhealthy addiction to food and about how amazing their lives had become. I was instantly attracted, so when a sweet gal asked if I’d like to get started, I jumped at the chance. Looking back, I truly believe she was put in my path by a higher power. She still remains my sponsor to this day.

From that moment forward, things began to happen. First and foremost, I began to lose weight. What a blessing that was! But a very close second was the actual honesty I was practicing. I would write my food down, recite it to her, and then eat exactly what I had written down. I had never had that level of honesty in any area of my life. Over the next few weeks, I began to feel a part of this small and powerful group and to actually have hope, for the first time in my life. I wanted to be honest with my sponsor and these women. I wanted what they had and became willing to do whatever it took to get it.

On a daily basis, my sponsor asked me to pray, even if I had to fake it. Somewhere around the three-month mark, on the very same night I qualified for the first time, I felt something almost surreal come over me— gratitude! As I was driving home from my meeting after sharing my story (without any lies), I wept like I never had before, and not because I was sad. I wept because I was happy, and I knew exactly why. I was grateful. I thought of the story of my life that I had just finished sharing and realized that I was gainfully employed, the mother to an amazing and healthy little boy, and surrounded by love and respect. What a miracle. I knew in that instant that I owed all of those precious gifts to my higher power. For the first time in my life, I had a spiritual guide and I couldn’t have been happier about it. I have continued to live my life one day at a time with that guide right next to me.

Now that I’m not spending every waking moment on my body image, the next best diet, or my lack of discipline around food, I can actually participate in managing my life. I show up on time now. I keep my commitments. I pay my bills in full and on time. I ask for help when I need it. I don’t lie. I work while I’m at work. I spend time being present in my life and practice saying no when situations or events don’t support my abstinence. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and even on my worst day, I have more faith and support than I could have ever dreamed of.