A Story of Recovery:

Life of the Party

Years ago, before I was introduced to FA and given the option of a new life of sanity, I was invited to a bachelorette party for a friend of my boyfriend. I didn’t really have friends; I didn’t really understand the point, except to prove that I was popular. I thought that friends were like trophies to display or degrees to hang on the wall. I got my fill of being around people at work or at parties, and that was enough. I was only interested in time alone with my food, where I could eat as much as I wanted and whatever I wanted. If friends were people I was supposed to confide in, that was the last thing that I wanted. I certainly wasn’t going to tell them my secrets. The biggest secret was that I was bulimic. 

I did everything I could to convince people that I was confident and cool and knew how to take care of myself. I certainly didn’t want some “caring” individual to help me with my food. Binge eating and purging made me feel safe, because I knew that if life got too intense, I could just numb out. It was my solution to everything.

My boyfriend and I headed off to the bachelorette party. I didn’t want to deal with food cravings on the long drive over there, so I just kept myself really drunk. When we arrived, everybody was asleep, and I still remember what we ate, because it was so amazing for me to eat something approximating one serving of anything. I was so drunk that I passed out after eating it. 

The next morning, as I recall (much of my life is really hazy due to addiction), a huge group of us went out to breakfast. I believe I had already been drinking, and I either ordered more alcohol or ordered nothing. I couldn’t stand eating with people. I wanted them to just go away so that I could relax and give food my full attention. I also couldn’t stand spending 20 bucks on a meal in a restaurant that could later be spent on four shopping bags brimming with binge food.      

At restaurant gatherings like this, I always felt uncomfortable, because I was the only one not eating. If I did order food in a restaurant, like if we were at an all-you-can-eat place, it was even weirder, because I would make many “extended stay” trips to the bathroom to throw up.  After the restaurant, all the women got together for the bachelorette party and the guys took off. I didn’t bring a present. It never occurred to me. If I had brought something, I would have brought alcohol, drugs, or something that I could get my hands on, too. I couldn’t see really why anyone would want something other than that anyway. 

Then it was time for games. We played some, but they were too boring for me, so I think at my suggestion, we started a piercing party. The guys came back and saw some really awkward stuff going on. I probably contributed to wrecking what might have been a nice bonding experience for everyone. After we got back from the trip, those guilty and embarrassing memories just became one more thing to binge and purge over. 

I happily get to contrast that bachelorette party to a bridal shower I recently attended. I have been in FA for about six-and-a-half years. God has been cleaning up my food and my behavior and the remodel is going so well! When I came into FA, the first order of business was to clean up my relationship with food. No more binge eating and purging, thank you God. It took a lot of sponsor and outreach calls, FA meetings and all the FA tools. 

After breaking my abstinence a lot, I have been given the gift of abstinent eating (for today). Today I get happy when I pack up my food to eat with my friends. At the bridal shower, we had a delightful lunch, complete with napkins, silverware, and authentic, enjoyable conversation. There was no skulking around in the dark looking for food to eat. Truly today it is who is at the table that matters and not what is on the table. It was lovely to get to know some of my FA friends better, to support my friend having the bridal shower, and to talk with fellows I have seen often at meetings, but with whom I have not really had a chance to connect closely.

Having friends of my own is a precious gift of FA. All of those outreach calls that were designed to save my life also led to my having real friends. I don’t have to date a guy to use his friends. I genuinely wanted to be there to support my friend and enjoy the warmth of fellowship. I now get why people have friends.

And this time, I brought a gift. I got help from my sponsor on what was appropriate, and I can promise you that it wasn’t food, drugs, or cigarettes. The activities at the bridal shower were vastly different from those at that bachelorette/bingeing/piercing party of years ago. Mostly it was gentle and honest conversations, taking fun photos, admiring handmade bouquets, and just enjoying being together. No posturing or performing was necessary. We did play a couple games that were cute and they made me giggle. It was so nice to be with my fellows. 

I feel like God is totally giving me a new life. Working the Twelve Steps in a group we in FA call an AWOL, has helped me to clean up a lot of the guilt and shame about my behavior from years ago. Not only am I free of regret, but God and FA are filling that space with beautiful new memories for me to cherish forever. I never knew life could be this good.