A Story of Recovery:

Living in the “When, Then”

I had a debilitating case of the “when, then” syndrome. When I lose the weight, then (fill in the blank)… I will find my husband, land the job of my dreams, have a large circle of amazing friends and wonderful memories. I kept waiting and waiting, without changing any of my behaviors. Not surprisingly, the weight didn’t fall off, and happiness didn’t show up on my doorstep. I’ve heard in FA that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I definitely felt insane.

I was 26 years old, 288 pounds, very unhappy, and in poor health. My resting heart rate was 160. I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I could no longer cross my legs without having to hold them in place. I tried to avoid, at all costs, going places or attending functions where I could possibly run into people I hadn’t seen in a while. I stopped caring about drying my hair or putting on makeup when leaving the house. I walked with my head down and avoided eye contact with people. I was that ashamed of the person I had let myself become. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was trapped in a body and in a mindset that wasn’t what I wanted for my life. I couldn’t figure out how this happened to me—someone who was successful and in control in other areas of her life.

I was depressed because I was overweight, yet I ate to numb the pain and shame. It was a frustrating and never-ending cycle. I thought that once I was at a normal weight, then I would be happy. I was certain that my life would begin when I lost the weight.

So what finally changed? I was desperate—at my personal rock bottom. I wanted to stop eating over life, and start showing up and living it instead. I had tried every diet and every club. If they sold it as a weight-loss solution on an infomercial in the middle of the night, I owned it. I knew I had an unhealthy relationship with food and I needed help, fast.

This is how I found FA. I used to sweat all the time, regardless of the time of year or the temperature of the room. It was extremely bothersome and embarrassing. One morning, I was in my chiropractor’s office and picked up a brochure to fan myself. Mind you, there were a ton of brochures on whiplash, headaches, back pain, etc., but by the grace of my Higher Power, the one I picked up was a brochure for FA. When I actually stopped fanning myself long enough to look at what was in my hand, I saw the words, “Do You Have Trouble Controlling the Way You Eat?” Who doesn’t, I thought? I read the entire brochure, answered “yes” to about 17 of the 20 questions about my eating habits, and decided I would learn more by going to a meeting. After all, what did I have to lose but weight and unhappiness?

Fast-forward almost four years. I am an active member of FA. I lost just under 140 pounds in the first 14 months and have been maintaining that weight loss ever since. I am free from the obsession with food and my weight. I am no longer shopping for the next great diet, making and breaking New Year’s resolutions, or promising to get back on track on Monday. I am not counting points or calories or figuring out how many miles I need to walk in order to eat a particular food item. My meals no longer come straight from a bag or a box.

I no longer think I’m eating healthy if I have a side order of fruit and accompany it with a diet drink. I no longer have food delivery phone numbers memorized, or place my order, pretending to ask my “guests” what they want. I no longer hide wrappers in soda cans or shake the bag to redistribute the food so no one sees how much I have eaten. I no longer have to pour a spice, beverage, or dishwashing detergent over food to stop me from eating it. I no longer look to a particular food for comfort or a particular restaurant for joy. In fact, I don’t eat over my emotions at all.

Today I eat three well-balanced meals a day. I weigh my portions because I cannot gauge what an appropriate portion size is; I never wanted to stop eating when I felt full. I’m healthy for the first time in body, mind, and spirit. Nobody is selling me prepackaged foods, a special pill, a gym membership, or a protein drink mixture to lose weight. Nobody is profiting from my inability to control what I eat.

Just by working the FA program and getting the food under control, I can now reach and paint my own toenails! I get dressed up instead of covered up. I fit into all the clothes in my closet week after week. I now eat to live instead of live to eat. Food is the fuel for my body, not my source of excitement or an escape from reality.

And I got a few things I never expected. In FA, I am surrounded by amazing fellows who have become some of my nearest and dearest friends. Most importantly, I have a more loving relationship with my Higher Power than I have ever experienced in my life.

While I still haven’t found the “perfect” life, I am living the ups and the downs of the amazing one I’ve been given, without celebrating or numbing by misusing food. Plus, I found more important things…self-love, hope, and my smile!