A Story of Recovery:
Made Willing
Today, I know I’ve discovered a miracle. I didn’t come to FA for that reason, but amazing things happened when I became willing. I came to this program because I was fat. I finally became willing during the period between my two children’s weddings. I had been “dieting” for a nearly a year, unable to lose the 10-15 pounds (4.5-6.8 k) needed to fit into an already-purchased dress for my daughter’s wedding (the second of the two).
At my son’s wedding, I had still been hovering a few pounds over 200 (90.7 k) and had had to buy a dress in a size I’d hoped to never see again. That size represented the shame associated with my weight. “Here I am again, unable to get it together, even for something as important as my son’s wedding.”
Every day when I got up, I had to face the dress for my daughter’s wedding, hanging in my closet and waiting for me to lose weight so I could fit into it. My daughter was very excited about this designer label dress that she had helped pick out. I had lost weight so many times before and I thought that I would be able to lose weight for her wedding. That was my story. Big event or milestone, get it together and lose some weight. I’m 5’3” and my highest weight was 252 pounds (114.3 k). In that year leading up to the wedding, I was hovering at 201-203 (91.1-92 k), and I just couldn’t get below 200 (90.7 k). The heat was on, and suddenly I was at 207 pounds (93.9 k). I was afraid. “I’m headed back up. How will I ever get into that dress?”
A long-time dieting buddy had been telling me about FA for over six months. I was interested but also dismissive. I had tried another Twelve-Step program for food at least 10 years earlier and it hadn’t worked for me. I told myself things like, “I am just going to be fat. Nothing I ever do works. I tried OA and that didn’t work, so I must not be a food addict. I’m older and my metabolism is all messed up from all those years of dieting. I’m broken.”
But I was so desperate by the time I got to my son’s wedding that I agreed to go to an FA meeting the next week. At that first meeting, I heard many people speak who shared parts of my story, parts that I didn’t think anyone else would have experienced, let alone share out loud. I was amazed. These people all looked so happy. And they were in normal-sized bodies. How could they possibly understand how trapped I felt, and the ways that I used food to help me get through each day? Looking at them and hearing their stories, I began to feel hope. That was the first miracle. I didn’t even realize how hopeless and trapped I was feeling.
Someone came over to speak with me at the break. She asked me about myself. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but she offered to be my sponsor. I asked her if she would email me the food plan. That was me—I wanted it, but only on my terms. Fortunately, she agreed, and she asked me to call her very early the next morning. Yet another miracle! Even with my hesitancy, I agreed.
By the time of my daughter’s wedding, using the food plan I was given and beginning to use many of the tools, I miraculously lost 15 pounds (6.8 k)! I was able to wear the dress and to stay abstinent through the entire wedding weekend. I was beginning to believe in the possibilities, and I was advised to keep my head planted where my feet were. Once I was out of the flour and sugar, I began sleeping better and so many aspects of my life began to improve. I was finally willing. That was nearly six years ago. Many single days of abstinence, and a few not—or as I like to think now—where I was learning.
The miracles are many. I live in a normal-size body today, having removed 85 pound (38.5 k) and kept it off my body. I am abstinent. I am living in the present, not in the past wishing I had done it differently, or in the future, planning for what life would look like once I lose weight. I know today that I am not alone. I am surrounded by fellowship and fellows who share this journey and are able to talk openly about the challenges and the joys. My relationships with my family are so much better and improving all the time. I am no longer trying to manipulate them into doing what I think is best. I am grateful for the personal relationship with a higher power who guides me through my life. Since I have come into Program, I have moved three times, sold two homes, lost a job and found two jobs, travelled many times, domestically and abroad, and not eaten my way through many other activities and events of daily life. I have work that is making a real difference in the world and this is very meaningful for me. I often don’t know what the next right thing to do is, but my higher power does. When I slow down and use my tools, the answers come to me. I am amazed by the progress and the outcomes.
The dress, as beautiful as it was, is long gone, sold in a consignment shop because it was way too big for my petite, size four body. The miracles are many. They happen every day, as long as I am willing to work for and notice them. I am grateful that I found FA. It has truly changed my life and I have witnessed these same changes in so many others.