A Story of Recovery:

Morning Without Misery

I remember clearly the first time I heard someone in the fellowship of FA speak the words, “Don’t eat no matter what; no matter what, don’t eat.” I also recall thinking, That was easy for her to say; it would take a miracle for me to be in that place. But, one day at a time, miracles like that happen in this program.

Before I came into this program I ate no matter what! Every emotion, every crisis, every concern, was my perfect excuse to put something in my mouth, hoping to rid myself of any uncomfortable feelings. The absence of difficult experiences often caused me to eat even larger quantities. Boredom sent me to the cupboard and the pantry, and I would end each day feeling more and more self-hatred, shame, and regret. Negativity and self-pity were ever-present, and I often forgot to be grateful for the many blessings in my life. When I wasn’t eating, I was smoking and I became sicker, fatter, more hopeless, and more miserable.

I recall being horrified when the scale read 220 pounds. My clever solution to that problem was to stop weighing myself. I know that my weight continued to climb, and soon I was so in trouble physically, that I finally forced myself to see a doctor. Hypertension, outrageous cholesterol numbers, diabetes, and low thyroid were my official diagnoses, but I knew that the mental state I was in was even bleaker. With medicine and regular doctor visits, I lost 40 pounds, but my addiction and mental illness were still progressing. I knew I was desperate, delusional, and dead inside. I opened my eyes each morning disappointed that I made it through the night, and despairing that I had to face another day knowing it would hold the same misery as the day before.

Through the grace of God, and the suggestion and love of someone in the FA fellowship, I walked through the doors of this program and found a feeling I had never truly known—a feeling that I belonged. God worked through the people of this program, (especially my sponsor) and I learned that there was a solution for me. Sitting in quiet time with God, I began to have a measure of clarity, real hope, and a true sense of gratitude. If I was willing to follow those who had gone before me, and to stand with others doing the same, I could have a new and better life.

Although I am still dealing with some minimal medical issues, I have lost close to 48 pounds in this program. Losing that weight makes me truly grateful, but in about 15 months time, what I have gained continues to amaze me even more.  No matter what is happening—no matter what I am feeling—eating is not my solution if I remain willing, one day at a time. I now know and pray to always remember that putting food and cigarettes into this body does not give me, for one instant, the freedom, satisfaction, and joy that growing closer to my Higher Power gives me. I can fill this hole within me, but not with food.

I have so much to learn and so far to go, but each day I know now that I have tools and God’s power to become what I am meant to be. I have to do my part. That isn’t always easy for me, but I don’t have to do it alone.

I have learned that the phrase, “Don’t eat, no matter what; no matter what, don’t eat,” is not easy for any other food addict to practice either. One day at a time, with God’s help and the tools of this amazing program and fellowship, we work together to help each other do it anyway, no matter what. Through the experience, strength, and hope that we bring to each other, we can choose to live a different way.