A Story of Recovery:

Mountain Retreat

I have had an abnormal relationship with food since I was a young girl. It started out as a strong craving for sweets, and my craving was more than that of the average child. I would scoop sugar into my breakfast bowl until there was a wet dense mixture on the bottom.

My mother always sensibly portioned out sweet treats in our house, but I always wanted more than my share. Although I only ate my portion, it never felt like it was enough. I was a compliant little girl and was very afraid to get into trouble. Even though I wanted to, I did not sneak into the cupboards and take more than what was allotted me. Despite this, I found various ways to get my hands on sweets when I was young.

Every year, my family would get together for Christmas Eve at my grandmother’s house, where there was always a big spread of food and lots of treats. My parents were busy visiting, and I saw this as an opportunity to eat as many sweet things as I could. I could not help it. Even as a young girl, once I tasted that rich, sweet flavor on my tongue, I could not stop. Every Christmas Eve, I ended up being sick from eating so much.

When I got a little older, I took money from my allowance, or babysitting, and went straight to store. I could find a way to stretch that money and get as much as possible for the amount I had. I wanted quantity, and wanted it to last as long as possible, and I definitely did not want to share.

One day, my sister and I went to a restaurant alone and were allowed to split a sweet treat at a restaurant. I was so excited to be able to do this. I remember getting angry with her because she was eating the side I wanted. I think that was when I learned to eat really fast so I could get the treats before other people did.

My food addiction got worse when I got my first job, in the restaurant business. Naturally, as a food addict, I wanted to work around my best friend. I wanted to see it, smell it, talk about it, serve it, and have the ability to eat it whenever I wanted. This was not a conscious choice at the time though. I was not aware that I was a food addict until many years later.

Now I had my own money and could buy sweets and other foods. I have always spent most of my money on food. I also like to buy clothing and accessories, so I was in a lot of debt when I came into FA. My life was totally unmanageable, and I didn’t know that it was all because of my food addiction. I used to imagine how enormous the pile would be if someone were to have the ability to take all the food I had ever eaten and put it in one spot. It would have been a mountain that would have shot up to the moon!

What I did not realize was that I also had a mountain inside my soul that was being formed out of shame, guilt, remorse, insecurity, doubt, dread, and fear. It was growing every day, but each day was another day spinning my wheels and trying to eat sensibly. I was retiring each night feeling completely defeated and discouraged because food addiction had won again. The mountain kept growing every day. I was going in circles and getting nowhere.

Then FA came along. I attended a meeting and was very skeptical and judgmental. It took me a while to get a sponsor and, unfortunately, I only gave the program a two-day try. I came crawling back less than a year later. The mountain had continued to grow, and I became desperate and willing.

I started to weigh and measure my food and things started to clear up, in every area of my life.  I remember looking at my credit report for the first time and thinking I was going to be sick. Talk about a big mountain! My sponsor gently said to just not eat. So I didn’t eat, and over five years later, I am very close to being completely debt free.

I could honestly go on and on about the miracles that following this way of life has brought me. I have not had flour, sugar, or quantities for over five and a half years.  One of the most amazing parts about this Program is that I don’t crave flour or sugar, or even think about them anymore. I don’t miss them and I don’t ever want them again. I know that one bite of that stuff would start that mountain growing all over again. Today I feel like I am climbing the mountain instead of being buried underneath it. It is a great feeling, and I owe it all to God and His gift of FA.