A Story of Recovery:

My Last Binge

The day before I came into program, I had gone to the store after work with the intention of buying something from the bakery that I had been obsessing about. I had been face down in the food for several weeks, and my weight was at an all-time high of 163. I never allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, but lately I couldn’t stop myself and was feeling disgusted with my behavior and my appearance. I was bloated and felt uncomfortable in my skin, and my clothing didn’t fit well. I felt very depressed and knew that I should try FA, but I was going to have one last food binge.

They were out of the bakery item I wanted, so I was prowling the aisles to find something that would satisfy my cravings for sweets, when I saw that the “day old” bags contained many items, including the food item that I originally wanted. Getting food at a bargain was always appealing, so I was secretly excited, but also disgusted that I might eat more than I had planned.

I have always eaten in private and never overate in front of family members; I was a closet eater. That day I did something that I had never done before when I opened the bag and proceeded to eat as I continued my shopping. I had crumbs all over my face and clothing, and my fingers and hands were sticky. I realized I had crossed the line. I knew what I looked like and I knew how dirty the shopping cart handles probably were, yet I couldn’t stop eating until the bag was nearly empty. It was embarrassing when I ran into people I knew, but that didn’t stop this public binge.

I paid for my purchases, went to my car, and ate the remainder of the food in the bag. I threw the bag away before I got home, and tried to clean myself up. When I got home, it was time to fix dinner for my family, but all I wanted was to take a shower and go to bed. I put on a false front for my family and tried to act “normal.” That night I could barely sleep because of the sweats and stomach pains, and I was so thirsty and uncomfortable that I knew it was time for a change.

The next evening, I went to an FA meeting and stopped on the way for a fancy coffee drink to fortify myself and ease my fear and discomfort. I arrived late, sat in the back row, and probably smelled up the room with my coffee. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had done that, but nobody mentioned it. I was welcomed warmly by everyone. I knew lots of people there from another Twelve-Step program, but their appearance was dramatically different. Yes, they were thin, but they had a look in their eyes of happiness, and they seemed contented and energetic. I felt hope for the first time in years, and I prayed that FA would work for me.

With God’s help, FA has worked for me for over 10 years. From the very first meeting, I felt hopeful that there was a solution for me, and that I didn’t have to live in shame and depression anymore. I am maintaining a 35-pound weight loss, and that is just the beginning of the miracles that FA has brought into my life. My 43-year marriage, which was very rocky, is now amazing, which I attribute to working the program. Because of our daily practices and working AWOLS, many of my fears and destructive behaviors have changed, and I have hope that “God will do for me what I cannot do for myself.”  I love my life today and live with hope and gratitude, one day at a time, and I thank God every day for FA.