A Story of Recovery:

My skin represents my battle scars


I am now 225 pounds lighter than I was in the 11th grade, when I weighed 367 pounds. I have spent most of my adult life living in a 300-plus pound body. I am learning to live in this new body, and I have never been a fast learner. A whole new world has opened up to me and I feel like I’m living in a foreign country and don’t know the language. I never thought I would see this day, let alone be here to live it.

The first time I realized things were different was one day last summer when I was shopping for some summer clothes. I went into the store and tried on the 2X and it was too big, as was the 1X and XL. I had no clue what to do. I called someone in FA. She told me to go to the lady’s department, and suggested I take several sizes into the dressing room to try on. On that trip I bought a size large shorts.

Now I am in a size 6. My body has changed so much. One of the major obstacles I am faced with now is the excess skin left over from the weight loss, which I was very self-conscious about. I hated how I looked at more than 300 pounds, but I wasn’t liking this body either. Each time I looked in the mirror, my mind would fill up with tons of negative thinking. I would start thinking that I looked better before and that I looked gross and like a prune. I thought I had to wear long-sleeved shirts and long pants even in hot weather.

After many talks with my sponsor and other people in FA, it finally sunk in that this is my body and I should think of my excess skin as “war scars.” I realized that I had spent my life battling my weight and my mental and spiritual state. I need to accept that my body went though a metamorphosis and that I need to accept my body as it is. It will never be a perfect“10” but I must think like a “10.” Acceptance is the answer to being at peace with my body. I must accept this fact.  I need to ask God daily for strength to not go into negative thinking.

I recently went to my Monday committed meeting on a holiday. It was very sunny and warm out and I had the day off. I went to the meeting in shorts and a print T-shirt. I was way out of my comfort zone and it was a big stretch for me. I would have preferred being covered up head to toe, but I knew I needed to go as I was. The first person I saw from FA noticed that I was not covered up like I usually am. I talked with people and they told me that I inspired them to look at themselves and how they cover up their own imperfections.

My body is my body. Whether or not I get odd looks and even negative comments, I am learning to hold my head high. The skin represents my battle scars and it is a daily reminder of what I was like before, with my excess weight, high blood pressure, sore joints, and breathlessness. Mentally I was a mess, on and off anti-depressants, sleeping pills, in and out of therapy and rehab, stealing Valium, and full of self-hatred and loathing. At night I hoped I would not wake up the next day. Spiritually I blamed God. I thought that if there was a God, he must have hated me more then I hated myself to put me through such hell. I had no relationship with a higher power. I used to go to church to be a “good” girl and I thought it would make other people not see how miserable I was.

Today I still am adjusting to living in this right-sized body and am working on loving myself as I am. Some days I do fall back into negative thinking, but Program has given me a way to deal my negative thoughts without eating over them. I use the tools to keep working my program and I no longer am ashamed to go out in public in shorts and short sleeves. This summer I will not have to suffer from the heat. I will wear my battle scars with pride as a reminder of what it was like before recovery in FA.

 

This story was originally published in the Connection Magazine. Subscribe to the Connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.