A Story of Recovery:

My Spiritual Awakening

I had been in another food recovery program off and on for about 14 years, but had been out in the “wilderness” of addictive eating for nine years before I found FA.

While in the other program, I’d have periods of “abstinence,” but there wasn’t any true recovery, because my will remained firmly in place. I did recognize that the way people were talking about their eating behaviors and their relationship with food in that program was how I used food and thought about food. But I believed that the Twelve-Step recovery program was the only chance I had of finding relief from compulsive eating. However, I did not surrender to a power greater than myself.

I had been over-exercising, trying to burn some of the calories I was consuming, and was experiencing chronic pain as a result. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have an injury that would prevent me from exercising. I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to stop eating when I wasn’t able to work out…and a small voice acknowledged that my eating would probably escalate in response to the weight I would gain.

Before coming into FA, my Higher Power consisted of food, my intellect, and my anger. I’d stuff all my feelings down with food until I was numb. Because feelings were regularly appearing, I was on an endless cycle of eating or thinking about food. In addition, my mind was on a hamster wheel of trying to figure out how to make the world conform to my expectations. Anger was my response to the regular thwarting of my expectations. From irritation at other drivers, to annoyance with store clerks, I was an angry person waiting to lash out. And I had chronic insomnia as a result of my overactive brain.

I came into FA a little more than two years ago at 204 pounds (today I weigh 136 pounds), feeling hopeless about my eating and weight gain. When I heard about FA, I was ready to surrender my will and my life to the program. I was willing to give up flour and sugar and to take my sponsor’s suggestions.

But I had no spiritual life. I was an atheist and was not looking to change this aspect of my life. I just wanted to stop eating uncontrollably and stop gaining weight. My sponsor would regularly respond to my tales of fear, doubt, and insecurity with a comment like, “It’s not about you, it’s about God.” I did not believe that was true for a long time, but I remained open to the idea that she believed it to be true and it might be possible for me to find a way to believe it as well.

For many of my early months in FA, I made Program my Higher Power. FA worked for other people and I believed it could work for me. My sponsor asked me to get down on my knees every morning when I first awoke and every night before I went to bed. Getting down on my knees was not something I’d ever done; as an atheist Jew, it was not part of my repertoire. But I did it anyway. I prayed to a God I did not believe in, acting as if I did. Every once in a while when on my knees, I’d experienced the briefest of moments where the burden of managing my life was lifted. During those breath-length moments, I felt relief and release. Over time, those moments got a little longer and a little more frequent.

In my quiet time, there were days when I spoke to the God I did not yet believe in, asking for help with things that were troubling me. Over time I’ve come to recognize the power in giving myself a daily half-hour to be still and listen for divine guidance.  I continued to weigh and measure my food, practice all of the tools of FA, and listen to my sponsor and fellows speak about their Higher Power bringing them to a sane way of living. I slowly came to believe in a Higher Power that I choose to call God.

I noticed that I wasn’t getting upset as easily as I once did. When I did feel anger or resentment, I felt out of balance. I turned to my tools and found my way back to my Higher Power to bring me back to center. Over time, I’ve come to see that working a disciplined FA program is truly a spiritual practice that keeps me on the beam of recovery, making me available to be of service to others.