A Story of Recovery:

Never Too Thin?

One aspect of my food addiction is obsession with weight and thinness. Before coming into FA, I was never satisfied with myself, even when my weight was normal (which was maybe for a week or two). I was unhappy because my stomach stuck out.

In the beginning of my recovery, when I was 27 years old, I lost too much weight. I can admit to that now, but at the time, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was 5′ 5″ tall and got down to about 113 pounds. I looked like a teenage boy, with no body curves. I remember sitting next to a friend in my AWOL meeting and gloating about how wonderful I felt in such a thin body. She turned to me and said, in no uncertain terms, “That’s not attractive!” I just blew it off, dismissing her words. Thank God that woman eventually became my sponsor, but even years later, I gave her a hard time around my weight.

My sponsor is very wise and knew how terrified I was to gain weight, so she went very gingerly with me, suggesting putting on only a pound or two at time. My disease is very, very strong, and despite her patience and love, my fear and defiance would return, and I’d find myself arguing, once again, when she’d say I should gain weight.

The following messages I was getting from my sponsor and others were what eventually helped me “get it.” The messages were, “When you look drawn in your face and neck area, it makes you look old.” Another was, “When you stand up straight and tall with your shoulders back, you don’t notice the curve in your stomach so much.” And, “Women’s bodies should have curves, and your little curvy stomach is adorable.” (That one was a bit hard to swallow, I must say).

One of the most powerful messages was when I did get my weight up to 125 pounds. An FA friend said,  “Wow! You look absolutely beautiful with your face smooth and not drawn and old looking.” What a wonderful relief it was to stop arguing with my sponsor and to enjoy being in a right-sized body, with the obsession lifted.

So I have enjoyed this freedom for a long time now, but I’m not cured. I recently had a humbling experience when my weight dropped too low one week, and the craziness of my disease came back into my head. Thank God I quickly worked my program, asked God for help, got honest, talked to my sponsor, and was willing to take the right actions.   Thank God for FA!