A Story of Recovery:

New Gifts to Give

Ah, the holidays are upon us. My sponsor speaks of all the sparkly food out there this time of year. Each time I walk into a grocery store, I heed her words. Everything in the store is designed to make me want to buy it. In truth, because it is food, it doesn’t take much to draw me in. That is why, after three years in Program, I’ve learned to gauge my state of mind before I enter a grocery store or attend a party. I ask myself if I am tired, hungry, feeling resentment, feeling excess joy—feeling anything that makes my radar go up. If I am, I’ve learned that it is probably better for me to postpone my shopping or ask my husband to do it instead.

One of the things I’ve come to recognize in Program is how easily I am over stimulated. The buying frenzy and angst of choosing presents can be overwhelming for me and make me feel totally inadequate. I am learning to let go of the idea of creating a perfect Christmas and focusing instead on the joy of being with my family. There are ways for me to demonstrate my love for them other than by feeding them or buying them expensive presents.

For my husband, my gift is keeping my mouth shut and not nagging him about trivial things.  I am giving him peace. I am also giving my teenage son the gift of peace. I am learning to stop and listen to him when I am angry. When I actually listen and let him know that I have heard him, we often can have a conversation about the underlying source of my anger.  Increasingly, I am also learning to apologize when I recognize that the source of my anger is often that I want him to do things my way.

At the core of this is my abstinence. I am not sure I understand it yet, or if I ever will, but somehow, when I put my food on a scale and am honest about what is going into my stomach, my whole life becomes much more manageable. That instant hit of gratification I used to get when I ate has now been replaced with a feeling of well-being. It certainly lasts longer than the few seconds of pleasure I used to get from eating.

For the most part, I now awaken in the morning looking forward to the day. Rather than wanting to get under the bed, I want to get out of it. I feel comfort and joy in my morning routine of quiet time, call to my sponsor, and calls from my sponsees. This time forms the bedrock for my day. I love showering because I no longer hate seeing myself naked. I love having my clothes fit. I love my abstinent food, which fuels my body. I no longer feed the empty part inside of me.  It has been filled up with the fellowship of the program.

As I write this, I realize that I’ve left out an important gift I’ve given myself.  It is the gift of peace. Perhaps that is why I am learning to give it to others.