A Story of Recovery:
No Excuse!
Looking back, I know that I’ve been a food addict all my life. However, it wasn’t until I was in my sixties that I became familiar with the term “food addict” and was able to accept that addiction was the reason for my life long search for a normal weight. When I look at my pictures from childhood, through my teens, the child bearing years, the family rearing years, the middle-age years, right up to the day I found FA in 2005, I can clearly see the progression of the disease.
Through those years, I used every excuse I could to explain my fluctuating weight. In high school I expected my weight to stay around 130. Then when I hit 140 I rationalized that I needed more exercise, so I started a self-guided physical fitness regime and went on a quick weight loss diet.
My first child was born when I was 17. I had five sons by the time I was 27. Of course, pregnancy gave me a new excuse for my inability to maintain a normal weight. I used AYDS appetite suppressant candy and fad diets and watched the scale march up and down. I also continued off and on with exercising. Jack Lalanne was my idol. I knew he was talking directly to me when he pointed at the camera and said, “Get out of that chair!”
During my thirties, my excuses were based on my hectic family life. By this time, I was a single mom, working full time, taking kids to Little League, Soccer, Boy Scouts and dealing with homework. I told myself that quick food was the only way to survive. We didn’t do a lot of fast food restaurants because I couldn’t afford it, but I used a lot of processed food. On weekends, I still cooked balanced meals, but also added a lot of desserts. I told myself I was making the desserts for the boys, but in reality I was eating more of it than they were. By now, I had kissed the weight range of 130’s and 140’s good-bye and was concentrating on staying below 160. My exercise program dropped to running in our neighborhood a couple of evenings a week.
Then, a new life-style presented itself. I remarried in my forties and moved to Alaska with the new husband and my three youngest sons. The marriage and the Alaska adventure only lasted three years, but in that short time my weight climbed to 180. The excuse this time was the cold weather in Alaska. “Everyone gains weight here”, I lied to myself. “It’s cold, so you naturally want heavier foods. No one craves a salad when it’s raining or snowing.”
I did a lot of exercising in Alaska. My employer was promoting physical fitness and launched an exercise program that required biking, running, walking, and swimming. A colleague and I fully embraced that program. In the morning we rode our bikes to town, stopping at the high school’s indoor swimming pool for a swim before work. Then rode our bikes home and after dinner, we went for a run. Weekends found us on the numerous hiking trails around the area. Still my weight remained the same.
After the Alaska experience, I was once again a single mom and back in California with my two youngest sons. My youngest son and I started a diet together. I was actually losing weight and feeling good about the diet. Then tragedy struck. My youngest son, who at 16 had just gotten his driver’s license and gone to work for a pharmacy, died in a car accident. I was overwhelmed with anger, guilt, sadness and all the other afflictions that come during the grieving process. At the time of my youngest son’s death, my fourth son was in the process of moving away from home, so I was blasted into the empty nest syndrome two years before I thought I would be there. I lashed out by deciding that being responsible hadn’t awarded me security for my family, so I decided to party and have a “good” time. I took up golf with two of the single men from work and spent a good amount of time at the “nineteenth hole” with them. This crazy life style, plus a few very strange diets helped me keep my weight down for a couple of years. I was still running and riding my bike. Within a few years, I woke up to the realization that the party life wasn’t really what I wanted, so I returned to a more sedate life style.
In my early fifties my weight went back up to 180. I was also experiencing a lack of ambition, which was not like me at all. I consulted a doctor who assured me that menopause was the cause of all my symptoms. I was running out of excuses for my weight gain and decided I would just stop worrying about it and let my body “level” out to where it wanted to be.
At this time, my career took off to a higher level and I became a consultant as a business analyst. I was traveling all over the United States during the week and returning home on weekends. My company gave me a credit card to cover my expenses on the road. Wow! A food addict with a credit card that will be paid for by the client! I found the best chefs in every city and indulged in all the specialties. My weight didn’t level out as planned; it climbed rapidly.
Finally, I found a doctor who identified my symptoms as thyroid related. I have hypothyroidism, which gave me a new excuse. How could I possibly be responsible for my weight gain when I had a physical problem well known for causing weight gain? The doctor informed me that medication would solve all the physical symptoms I was experiencing, but losing the weight was up to me. I tried to lose, but my addiction had progressed to the point that I was unable to stay on a diet.
The excuses went on and on. By my early sixties, I was telling myself that it was okay to be a “round” grandmother and blaming my age on the physical difficulties, such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, weak knees, and acid reflux. My weight topped out at 227.
Every story should have a happy ending and mine certainly does. The miracle of FA came into my life. A friend told me about the program so I went to a meeting. At first I didn’t understand the impact that addiction was having on me, but as I sat in the rooms and heard others tell their stories, I started to get a little glimmer of hope. I got a sponsor and started working the program. It only took three days on the food plan to recognize that my compulsion around food had disappeared and that I was eating enough food so that I was not hungry. It took another few months for me to fully understand that addiction had been my problem all along. My weight went down to 135 and stayed there. I have maintained my weight loss for 10 years and the freedom I feel is exquisite. Such a simple program and what beautiful results! My health improved, no more blood pressure medication or cholesterol pills. No more waking up in the middle of the night with acid reflux, wondering if I’m having a heart attack or once again experiencing the bane of over eating. My knees are happy and so am I.
I am now free from excuses. I no longer need them.