A Story of Recovery:

Not Alone

I was able to make it through my first Christmas holiday abstinently, but what was harder for me was the time after the holidays. Thank goodness a long-time member had warned me about this. Now I am just as mindful after the special holidays and occasions as I am during them. Every occasion is just another day, in terms of my food, and celebrations can be special solely for the gift of abstinence I receive by working this program.

Certainly the days leading up to that first Christmas, and the various events that I attended, were uncomfortable. I got through it all by gritting my teeth, smiling false smiles, making lots of phone calls, and using every FA tool offered. The smells brought back memories of the happy-time feasts at my grandparent’s house and the excitement of the night before Christmas and Christmas morning.

I’ve always associated food with feeling good. My sponsor kept reminding me that the get-together was about the people, not the food. I kept reminding myself of that, and I kept thinking, “that’s not my food.” The first time I pulled out my scale and ate a salad when the others weren’t, I felt strange. I kept my eyes on my plate and tried to avoid any attention at all. I answered others’ questions as simply as I could.

After that first holiday, the food began to call my name loudly. When I was back to the routine of work, when I relaxed, let go, and thought I was okay now and safe, the reality of it hit me: I have to do this every day. I didn’t think I could keep it up. Here I thought I had accomplished this all by myself. I thought, “Aren’t I great? I stayed abstinent!”

And then the little voice said to me, “Why do you suppose you could go through this holiday without gaining weight—for the first time in your life?” It was then I realized the value of getting on my knees each morning and asking for help for that day. I hadn’t done this alone. There must have been help from that power that I, unthinkingly, sent the words out to every morning.

Now I ask, in a conscious humble way, for the strength for each day. I now understand that one day is all I can handle. I’m a food addict and I want to do it all at once, now, get it over with, get on with other things. What helps me is to visualize the day. I visualize being abstinent at each meal, and the time in between meals, and I ask my higher power for the strength for that very day.

I reached my goal weight five days after that first Christmas in FA, and I’ve maintained that weight for three years now. The knowledge that I am not alone, and that I can access the strength of that greater power, helps me to begin the day feeling happy. I can do this again today. I can stay in this healthy body, keep wearing these lovely clothes, and be the nice person I always knew I was.