A Story of Recovery:

Not Too Big, Not Too Small

I just returned from a nostalgic trip to Freeport. It was here 20 years ago when I began to come out of the denial of thinking that someday soon I could control my eating, and that I “wasn’t that fat, just a little overweight.”

Twenty years ago, I remember arriving at the hotel in Freeport, so very excited that I would have time and money to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes. I was teaching middle school at that time, and badly in need of outfits that would look professional and fit my body without strangling me or having to be left unbuttoned or half zipped.

I went into the dressing room with my arms filled with skirts, sweaters, pants and cardigans. I soon had feelings of frustration, as one thing after another was too tight. I thought: “Hmphh…they are making these things so skimpy! A nice store like this cutting corners on sizing!” I was indignant and went back to the hotel intent on getting a good night’s sleep and coming back in the morning to try some more flattering styles.

The next day, after trying on ten or more different outfits, I began to despair, as I recognized the truth that the XL’s (18-20) would not fit me because I had obviously outgrown them. I was fat, and my body just kept growing bigger and bigger. What was I going to do?

And so I began to hit bottom. During the coming months, God would give me more signs, and I began to admit that my eating was totally out of control. I stumbled into a Twelve-Step program, angry and raging at the injustice of being cursed with an addiction!

So here I was 20 years older, in beautiful Maine, having all day Friday and part of Saturday to shop. But…I had a closet stuffed with clothes, many of them four or more years old, because my body now stays the same size.

However, just to celebrate my thin body, I went back to LL Bean Saturday morning, with memories of my hitting bottom there long ago. I brought a pair of pants, a striped T-shirt, a bright pink fleece jacket, and a pair of pajamas into the dressing room. All items were size small.

Everything fit and looked great except the pajamas. “Hmphh, I grumbled, they cut these pants much too big!”

Then I went to the cashier, paid for my new cozy outfit, and left. I realized that I truly have much to be grateful for, including being able to clothe my body with beautiful clothes. My guilt and despair have been replaced with clarity and hope. The sun was shining as we drove, and I was glad to be alive!