A Story of Recovery:

Nothing to Lose

Here are my thoughts about how I make conscious contact with G-d during the day. I am only a new believer in a higher power, which I do not call G-d, but I feel awkward during my day talking to “it,” or whatever it may be.

My belief in a higher power has emerged only since I began FA two-and-a-half years ago. Through participation in an AWOL, I have just begun to think that there may even be a higher power. Before this, for over 50 years, I was a committed, contented, devout atheist. Now as I have tried on this budding belief in a higher power, I am awkward in talking or otherwise communicating with it. (I hope I am not offending anyone by my referring to it as “it,” but not knowing how to define this higher power, it is the best I can do.)

During my day when I feel shaky about my program, I hear the words of my sponsor saying, “Have you thought that maybe you could call on your higher power at those times?” Having great respect for the wisdom and sagacity of my sponsor, I respond to her with, “Well, maybe I’ll give it a try.” I am faced then with a dilemma: how do I talk to something that I have no previous experience with?

Here’s how the prayer goes:  “Well sir, I don’t know if you exist, but if you do, could you give me a hand here? I’m having trouble. I’m having a hard time of it, and I don’t want to eat addictively.” I then laugh at myself for this weird conversation. I then think that maybe it doesn’t matter what language I use as long as it makes sense to me. But I do want the connection to work. I want some assistance in keeping abstinent.

I ask myself, Does this entity require special prayerful language? If it does, then I don’t want any part of it. If there is a higher power, I need it to take me as I am. I don’t believe that there ought to be a prescription for how to communicate with a higher power. In my past, I was an atheist because other people, in the name of the “right” way to worship, created a religion based on that right way. And my rejection of a G-d, goddess, “great mystery” or whatever, was precisely because they told me that there was only one right way, the “true and only way.”

I realize that my rejection was of organized religion. I now believe that I’d gotten religion and spirituality confused. It’s still a struggle for me to find the words for communicating with my higher power, and I do often use the Serenity Prayer as a way to begin the conversation.  I sometimes say the Serenity Prayer several times over, hoping that I’ll feel a positive response. And sometimes I think I do.  When I don’t, I say to myself, “Is this where having faith comes in, having faith that there is a caring higher power, even if I don’t hear a clear message back?” I don’t blame that higher power if I don’t hear the message. I figure that it’s up to me to learn how to hear and access the message.

I’m new at this, and when I ask my higher power for help in staying abstinent, I don’t always believe, absolutely, that there is such a thing as a higher power. I do believe that it’s up to me to figure out how to make a higher power connection, and that practice, even if not perfect, may make it acceptable to this higher power, so that I can get the support I need to stay abstinent. I haven’t been successful doing it on my own in the past. So what have I got to lose?

 

This story was originally published in the Connection Magazine. Subscribe to the Connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.