A Story of Recovery:

Now the Living is Easy

Summer. Season of fun, right? At a little over 5’3″ tall and at least 170 pounds, summer fun was not as simple as all that. There was always the question of what to wear, for instance. In New England, summers are hot and sticky. If I decided to dress appropriately for the weather, I had to endure the pain of my thighs rubbing together, or walk like a penguin to keep them apart. If I couldn’t face the pain or the penguin walk, I had to decide between my black jeans, my dark blue jeans, or my dark green jeans. No matter what I chose to wear from the waist down, I always wore the same huge, black, tattered T-shirt that made me feel thin as it billowed around me.

Swimming was its own story, of course. To wear a bathing suit or not? I lived in an area where one could find places to go skinny-dipping, and I had a group of friends who liked to do that kind of thing. I lived under so many layers of denial, that I often chose skinny-dipping, to make a point of how “comfortable I was in my body.” I always felt so terrible in bathing suits, and felt to some extent that my body made more sense unclothed. Another problem with swimming is that I have very fair skin that burns if I even think about the sun for too long. I didn’t like wearing sunscreen, and so I didn’t, and just got burned again and again.

Summer life was even more humiliating than the rest of life in general. There was also the perpetual problem of my hygiene. I couldn’t wash my three pairs of jeans for fear they might shrink back to their original size after I had spent weeks stretching them out so they fit comfortably. I didn’t shower on a regular basis. It was hot and I was sweaty.

I am so grateful for FA summers. I can quite distinctly remember the spring and summer of my first year in abstinence, almost 13 years ago. With the spring came colors. I felt like somebody had just switched the TV from black and white to color mode. I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t really been seeing colors. But there they were, shiny and new to my vision.

I bought clothes that let my skin feel the air: skirts that hung above the knee, shorts, and tank tops that showed off the definition in my newly emerged shoulders and neck. I went out and bought a bikini and enjoyed swimming in some of the wonderful ponds and lakes near where I lived. I really liked looking good! For the first time, I could choose to wear clothes that I liked and that were suited to the weather.

It wasn’t all thin-bodied bliss, though. I had some challenges around the food, too. As a food addict, I had so many associations with food around every part of my life. I don’t need to state the obvious summer food association. I remember once, when I was walking down the street on my way home from work and I spotted a beautiful tree. It seemed so inviting, and my first thought was that I wanted to sit under that tree and eat. I felt a bit mournful, as it wasn’t an option. It’s no joke that our format states, “In the past, our most common reaction to life was addictive eating.” There was always a reason to eat.

Thankfully, in recovery, if I don’t eat, I can actually hear the thoughts in my head. I quickly realized that I didn’t need food to enjoy the beautiful tree. I could simply go and sit there. If I really wanted to, I could plan a picnic with a friend and eat a weighed and measured meal under a tree. It was such an eye-opener.

I’ve enjoyed many summers in FA recovery. I still have some of the skirts I bought that first summer. Some of the clothes I bought have been given away as I’ve continued to find out what I like to wear and what I feel comfortable in.

I’ll admit that summer is still not my favorite season. I’m pretty sensitive to heat, and I get sunstroke easily. The difference is that today I really know how to take care of myself. I dress appropriately and know my limits for spending time in the sun. I can go out of my comfort zone and resist the temptation to spend every hot moment inside in the air conditioning.

This past summer, I was able to spend lots of time doing things outside with my daughter. We went to beaches, and I looked for shady spots. I made sure we had plenty of water, and brought hats for us to wear. We went on adventures in the woods with friends and found beautiful spots where we could eat the healthy lunches we had packed. I continue to wear a bikini, and to enjoy feeling the fresh air on my skin. Of course, I go through lots of sunscreen…