A Story of Recovery:

On the Cutting Edge

I am 53 years old, 5’4″ tall, and I weigh 138.8 pounds. I have never been less than 140 in my adult life. Just a year ago, l weighed 195 pounds (my highest weight was 250 back in 2002). After yo-yo dieting for years, and after major stresses, I finally hit rock bottom and believed my life was over. Quite frankly, I wanted it to be.

I had been living on the edge for several years. I was not only a food addict, but I had multiple addictions. Although I hadn’t used alcohol or illegal drugs for more than 30 years, I consistently used money, work, and food to deal with life.

I worked an average of 14-15 hours per day, six days a week. I ate at work constantly, with something going into my mouth every 15 minutes, all day long. I would get up several times during the night and eat myself back to sleep. I spent thousands of dollars on eating out, emotional shopping, and buying bags and boxes of flour and sugar items. I hit the drive-thru windows several times per day while I was out, supposedly running work errands, and justified all of it as just part of being a stressed-out business owner.

My business was suffering and I seriously injured my business partner and her reputation. My self-loathing was overwhelming, and at age 52, I found myself reverting into a form of self-mutilation typically reserved for teenage girls—I began cutting myself. I can’t explain it other than to say that when I focused on the physical pain of cutting myself, then stress, food, emotional pain, and work were forgotten for a brief period of time. But it was only a temporary distraction. I ultimately ended up back in the other behaviors more than before, with the addition of cutting as a way to punish myself.

It all reached a climax when my behavior led to the loss of my job and business and a complete emotional collapse. I had battled depression for more than 20 years, and I turned to my doctor for help. She recommended that I find a Twelve-Step recovery program. Specifically she said, “Go on the Internet and look up ’Recovery Anonymous,’ and then go to a meeting.” When I went to the Internet to search that phrase, what came up was Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I thought that sounded like the right place for me, since I definitely knew I had a problem with food. At this point, I have to say that I believe my doctor was divinely inspired. The recovery I have received so far has been nothing short of miraculous.

While I had been a religious person all my life and was devoted to my faith, I came to learn in FA that I was not a spiritual person, and that was the underlying problem. My character defects and bad behavior were directly linked to the fact that my relationship with God was not what it needed to be.

Through FA and a dedicated sponsor, I have stopped cutting myself, have put work in its proper perspective, discontinued compulsive shopping, and have become an abstinent eater. I no longer live on the cutting edge of insanity, injuring myself and others. Self-loathing, fear, doubt, and insecurity are feelings that still sometimes rear their ugly heads, but not nearly on the daily basis they used to. Even as I accept that I have a long way to go, I try to focus only on today, my relationship with God, and my recovery, and everything else seems to work out just as it should. And for all of this I can only say, “Thank you, God!”