A Story of Recovery:

Out of the Denial Aisle

Probably the first thing I learned from FA was the need to be painfully honest. I couldn’t afford to fool around anymore. I was 57 years old, 297 pounds, 5’2” tall, and on 11 different medications. I had just lost my little sister in January from multiple self-induced co-morbid (deadly) health conditions. She ate herself to 400 pounds. I had let myself get up to 364 pounds at my highest point. I lost 129 pounds through gastric bypass and put 65 pounds back on.

I walked into FA absolutely desperate. I’d proved over and over again that my way didn’t work. I arrived at a meeting quietly and sat in the last row, the so called “denial aisle.” It wasn’t my first time in FA, but it was the first time I was really listening. I had decided that I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Who was I fooling? I couldn’t do it by myself.

I went to two meetings a week for the first few weeks and started eliminating sugar. I didn’t eat sweets or between meals. Then I started reading ingredient labels when I shopped. Next I eliminated flour items. Then I added (gasp!) vegetables and went to absolutely no sugar or flour.

After about six weeks, I decided I was ready to start working honestly with a sponsor. At my very next meeting, the person next to me stood up and said she had a spot open. Before she could sit down, I said, “I need a sponsor.” We talked at the break, and she said “Call me at 6:15 tomorrow morning.” Yuck! I hate mornings. Nevertheless, I stopped at the store on the way home that night and bought a food scale. Before I went to bed, I set my alarm. I called her at 6:15 a.m. the next morning, and have continued to do so every morning since.

She gave me my food plan and taught me to weigh and measure my food and to eat at specific times of the day. She held me accountable, every day.

When I decided to go through my cupboards and get rid of the “poison” foods, she cheered me on. She helped me see how strong I was because I chose to take care of myself. When she thought I sounded too complacent, she called me on it. I slept a lot at first, sometimes because I was tired, sometimes to stay out of the kitchen.

After two weeks of abstinence, it seemed like something snapped in my brain, and all of a sudden I could think more clearly. I had more energy, and I was waking up feeling more rested than I had in years, even at 6:00 a.m.

At 30 days of abstinence, I was filled with glee. I had learned that it worked because I worked the tools of the program.  I did the readings every day, got down on my knees each morning, asked for help from my higher power (God) during my quiet time, and said the Serenity Prayer a lot. I went to my meetings faithfully each week and committed my food each day to my sponsor. I was painfully honest with myself, to my higher power, to my sponsor, and during my reach-out calls.  I got down on my knees each night to thank God for getting me through another 24 hours of abstinence.

My higher power gave me the strength to stay in the moment and helped me stay on track, one day at a time. My higher power helped me turn my head away from snacks brought into work, avoid certain aisles at the grocery store, and put blinders on when driving past fast-food restaurants and dessert stores.

I started watching pre-recorded TV shows so I could fast forward through commercials. I also started walking more so I had less time to sit in front of the TV.

Through those first 90 days, I gained a closer relationship with my higher power, reached out to others, made a lot of new friends, and got and gave much-needed support.

I am now working on day 132 and am still abstinent. I have my ups and downs, but I also have my sanity, my tools and my outreach calls, and have learned it is okay to not be in control of everything in my life. My higher power does it so much better than I ever did or could.

Now I am working on the next 30 days and then the next. I try not to anticipate, and try not to concentrate on my weight or the food. Instead, I am concentrating on working all the steps, using all the tools, and being grateful to my higher power every morning and every night for the serenity to accept, the courage to change, and the wisdom to know (and see) the difference.