Twelve years ago, when I came into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, I lived only for food binges. Food was all that I could think of: how to get it, how to be alone with it, and how to eat as much as I wanted without paying any of the consequences. And the consequences were many. I felt isolated from all of the good things that life had to offer. I was physically and psychologically addicted to flour, sugar, fat, and huge quantities of food. I ate until I was so full that it was difficult for my lungs to expand, and it hurt to breathe. For me, those foods substances and the enormous quantities that I consumed were mood-altering drugs, and they fueled suicidal depression. I felt drugged up and sluggish after overeating and had to sleep it off. Many times after a binge, when my stomach was aching,... Continue Reading
My mother died a few days before her ninety-second birthday, when I was less than six months in FA. Even though my mom had pneumonia for many days and had been immobilized by a fractured pelvis for months, the grief that I felt when I got the phone call was overwhelming and profound. I did my first things first and called my children, and then proceeded to get my plane reservations and start to pack. It was about 11 p.m. While I was on the phone talking to the airline, a feeling of intense hunger crept up my body and started to take hold. I had the urge to go to the cupboards and tear open boxes of food and stuff my mouth with whatever I could find. Then I remembered, “Don’t eat, don’t eat, whatever you do, don’t eat.” I said it over and over again. For added insurance... Continue Reading
My first Food Addicts in Recovery meetings were a rude awakening for me. There was so much to do! How was I going to be able to follow the program and live my life, too? There were so many suggestions: plan meals in advance, don’t eat between meals, go to meetings, make daily phone calls, spend time daily with my Higher Power, etc. Like most food addicts, I was used to making my own rules. I knew what worked for me. I didn’t need someone telling me what to do. So I questioned everything. Looking back to my first 90 days, I recognize that my so-called need to be in charge of myself was an illusion. If I was so in control of myself, why was I so fat? I knew how to lose weight—I had done it many times over the years! What FA brought to the table was... Continue Reading
In my early days of recovery, I heard the saying “suit up and show up.” I didn’t quite understand what it meant. I was extremely capable, hard-working, and compassionate. I always showed up and I was always available to help, always there if you needed a shoulder to cry on, always there if you were short on cash. I was always available to everyone! I prided myself on being a great employee and friend, and I didn’t think I needed to learn anything from this slogan. As I began to emerge from my flour, sugar, and fast-food fog, and the pounds started to drop off my 207-pound body, I started to see things differently. I was showing up alright, if you consider showing up to mean that I was overwhelmed, overworked, overcommitted, distracted, and crazy; then, yes, I showed up. So, I realized that I had a lot to learn... Continue Reading
When I was growing up in California, Mom couldn’t cook meals fast enough and my older brothers sometimes ate food off my plate. It felt to me like there was never enough food. I came to FA for the first time four years ago, after hearing about the program from a friend, who had lost 80 pounds. I raised my hand at a meeting, dutifully identified myself as a food addict (at 235 pounds), worked the food plan faithfully for six months, and lost 72 pounds. I didn’t really believe I was a food addict and ended up leaving FA over resentments against my sponsor. I firmly believed that FA was just too hard. The truth was that I wanted to go back out and eat “normal” food. Armed with my newfound knowledge of the evils of flour, sugar, and quantities, surely I would be “just fine.” Well, two years later, I gained... Continue Reading
