I like to watch movies. I like the thrill of good triumphing over evil, and I love dramatic love stories. I never get tired of happily-ever-after endings. Worry is like watching a movie I don’t like over and over again. Though my worries never had a happy ending, I couldn’t seem to stop worrying. It dawned on me that worry was a form of entertainment for me. Worry was just an old hobby that I used to preoccupy my mind. A real hobby is something I invest in that can be a rewarding break from everyday life. Worry was my form of escape, except it was not fun or relaxing. Worry is not free. Worry takes a lot of time and it is expensive. It takes its toll on my health in the form of stress, and on my finances in the form of procrastination. As a food addict, I... Continue Reading
My friends referred to me as a support group junkie. Those who have known me for years thought: Here she goes, another support group. It started over 20 years ago with Al-anon, then AA (I have managed to stay sober for 21 years), and on and on with other Twelve-Step programs to address my many other addictions. Don’t ask me why it took so long to find FA, except that I wasn’t ready to give up flour and sugar! When I came into FA four months ago, I was very depressed. I had just spent a lot of money on hypnosis. I had lost 15 pounds in the first three months of hypnosis and then hit a plateau, because I just couldn’t manage portion control. I had spent years dieting, and praying for God to give me the strength to lose weight and keep it off. Then I met someone... Continue Reading
Around eight years ago, I found out that I had to undergo surgery. Although considered a relatively minor procedure, it involved general anesthesia, and at 218 pounds, I was really scared. In my mind, losing weight was not even an option, even though I desperately wanted to lose weight. I could not figure out how to put the food down. After decades of trying a whole variety of diets, I had given up. But I was starting to feeling circulatory problems, like neck tightness and shooting arm numbness. I was bartering with G-d on a daily basis: “G-d, just let me live to see my daughter graduate from college,” I would pray. I knew that something was really wrong. I just took aspirin. There was no point in seeing a doctor, I thought, because I knew what she/he would say: “Lose weight!” Well, if I could have figured out how... Continue Reading
Today I got angry because a package was delivered later than I expected, and I acted abstinently, thanks to FA. Instead of writing an impulsive and angry email, I took quiet time. Then the doorbell rang and it was the package. I thanked the people who delivered it and felt a sense of dignity. I did not act upon my angry impulse. I acted abstinently. Food is not calling to me anymore. It has nothing to offer me. I surrender upcoming resentments, self-pity, and fear to immediate prayer. My life has surely changed. In the past, I had numerous visits to dentists, who started to look at me somewhat strangely. I experienced frequent stomach, throat, and bowel inflammations. One day I spent a hundred marks within a few hours just for food, while my bills sat unpaid. I spent desperate hours in movie theaters, where I sat alone and silently... Continue Reading
I remember clearly the first time I heard someone in the fellowship of FA speak the words, “Don’t eat no matter what; no matter what, don’t eat.” I also recall thinking, That was easy for her to say; it would take a miracle for me to be in that place. But, one day at a time, miracles like that happen in this program. Before I came into this program I ate no matter what! Every emotion, every crisis, every concern, was my perfect excuse to put something in my mouth, hoping to rid myself of any uncomfortable feelings. The absence of difficult experiences often caused me to eat even larger quantities. Boredom sent me to the cupboard and the pantry, and I would end each day feeling more and more self-hatred, shame, and regret. Negativity and self-pity were ever-present, and I often forgot to be grateful for the many blessings... Continue Reading
