At 31 my life looked like this: accounting degree graduate, single mom of a five year old son and I weighed 313 pounds (that wouldn’t end up being my highest). I attempted to sit for the Certified Public Accountant (CPA) exam, a rigorous series of six four-hour tests at that time. However, I was still face-down into the food, so although I spent the money on the books they were merely table mats for my constant snacking. The flour-sugar fog prevented any productive learning from taking place. At one point, I rented video lectures and audio taped them to listen to in the car (yes, back when cars had tape decks) but all the popping sounds of canned drinks and crinkling sounds of plastic bags muted out the lectures. Fellow graduates would ask to borrow the tapes, but I refused, being too embarrassed they that would hear the constant eating.... Continue Reading
Before I go any further, I should tell you, I’ve never been in a real prison; not the kind you are thinking, anyway. I’ve never even had any trouble with the law. No, my prison was of my own making. I had built it up around me, one block and one bar at a time. By the time I was well into middle age, I was securely “locked up,” with no escape in sight. When I was young, as far back as I can recall, I was called “fat boy,” “tubby,” and other unkind names, more than I care to mention here. There is an old saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Well, truth be known, the names did hurt me; at least they hurt my feelings. The name calling got me into trouble because I would retaliate. Despite my size, I... Continue Reading
Starting over is always painful. I have been in this wonderful fellowship for 8 years, and in that span, I have had to start over four times. This time was no different. It was not FA that stopped working for me; it was I who stopped working the program. The food was the last to go. It started when I let the gifts of the program take me away from the program. There were other things that I just didn’t want to miss, so I would connect with two people on the phone instead of three, and my committed meetings suddenly weren’t as “committed.” My quiet time was not as peaceful with my “to do” list running through my mind, and 30 minutes became 27. I read my Big Book much too late and fell asleep on it. Now, this didn’t not happen all at once, nor every day. It... Continue Reading
When I found FA, I knew I had a problem with food but I did not know I had a fear of financial insecurity. I am 5’4″ and my top weight was 206 pounds. I also knew I had a work problem. I had been identifying myself as a workaholic for years, but the success I had in school and at work made me feel as though it wasn’t a problem. At one point after I left graduate school, I had five different jobs. I would wonder how I showed up for all of them, but now I know that I really didn’t. When I was doing that many things at once, I couldn’t do any of them well. I have very few memories of that time, because I spent all my time rushing from one place to another. I was never able to focus on the present because I... Continue Reading
I walked in the doors of fa at 295 lbs., my physical recovery was only the beginning. At the request of my sponsor, I wrote out five gratitudes a night for several years. Writing out the gratitudes helped me develop an attitude of gratitude. Then it hit me, I became more grateful for what I had than what I didn’t have. Later, I realized I was not only grateful for life but that life was really awesome. Later still, I saw God in everything. All this was a big change, coming from a guy who was chronically suicidal. I learned I had an all or nothing attitude. I was like a light switch. When I was on, I was totally on and when I was off, I was completely off. I needed to have balance in my life. I had to work at living in the gray zone. I had... Continue Reading
