When I try to calculate the amount of weight I have gained and lost from age thirteen to forty-nine, it doesn’t make any sense. I want to believe the amnesia of this disease has made me miscalculate. But the truth is that I have swung between fifteen to fifty pounds every two to five months for the past thirty-six years. The most conservative estimate I can calculate is 1200 pounds of weight variation. The clothes sizes filling my closet were from 6 to 14, which meant I did not stand out as extremely heavy very often. My disease was beating me up less obviously, but not less viciously. I was a slave to progressive binging. I tried to control my disease with extreme restricting over and over and over again. I could not gather myself up to restrict again. The only hope I clung to for thirty-five years was that... Continue Reading
On my sponsee’s third day in program, he said, “I’m starting to have thoughts like, this is stupid. This is never going to work. This is too much work and it’s too hard.” I could identify with him. It took me a long time in recovery to learn that the voices in my head were not the “real me.” I was embarrassed to tell anyone about the thoughts in my head. Before I joined FA, my thoughts would tell me, you are a wimp. You ran three miles yesterday, so run three miles today! You don’t deserve to eat. You will never be good enough. If you make any mistake, cover it up. These voices were what ultimately led me to bulimia and chronic dieting. I wanted to eat what I wanted, but I didn’t want the food to show up on my body. I thought that if people knew... Continue Reading
One thing that is important to me in my recovery from Food Addiction in FA is that I stay ‘in love’ with our program. Negative thinking, fault finding, murmuring about the tools, not only does not put my program first and support my growth, it can also lead to me to leave the program that is saving my life. My top weight was 233 pounds. Today I weigh 136 on a 5’8” frame. The longer I have the grace to stay in program and take the right actions to stay abstinent, the better and better my life keeps getting. So, why in the world do I even worry about ‘loving’ this program? Because I am an addict who uses food as a drug. And like all good addicts, I want what I want, when I want it, the way I want it. Program interferes with this and my addict loves... Continue Reading
Every night ended with the same demoralizing and endless stampede of negative thoughts: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just eat right? I know it’s not good for me, but I can’t stop. I have no will power. I guess I just don’t care enough. Every morning would start with the same lofty promises not to spend money I didn’t have, to be more loving and less irritable, to be more compassionate, and to work out to make up for the horrible choices I had made the day before. I would invariably break all my commitments. No matter what the consequences, or how much guilt or embarrassment I felt, I couldn’t seem to will or think myself better. My issues with food were my complete and total preoccupation. I was consumed with how to lose weight, how to maintain weight, and how to avoid everyone when I gained it... Continue Reading
I came to my first FA meeting with no idea what it was about, except that it might help me lose weight. I wasn’t feeling particularly desperate about my eating or my weight on that day. I had given up hope, but was just going through the motions because someone had suggested it. In fact, that someone was my adult daughter, who had watched my utter inability to control my eating, over the previous six months. She had watched me eat as I prepared our customary Friday night dinners and Saturday lunches; as I fed my family, and cleaned up after the meals. She watched me, as I just kept putting food into my mouth. What she didn’t see was what happened after she and her family went home, when I finally collapsed with exhaustion in front of the TV with a large bowl of my favourite sweet cold treats. ... Continue Reading
