I always used to joke and say that by the time I was 40 I would have had all my children and I’d be thin and have a tummy tuck. But I was eating my way up to 238 pounds. By the time I found FA for the first time, I was 31 years old, divorced and lonely, in a new city. I had, yet again, gained back the 40 pounds I had lost in Weight Watchers. I grew up in a warm and loving home where I was told I was good enough, but I never felt it. I coveted the girls in my grade who had flat stomachs and the ones who didn’t seem bothered about never getting enough flour and sugar. It was an obsession for me at a young age to get thin, but diet upon diet only brought failure. By the time we immigrated to... Continue Reading
I try to think back on when I started FA nine years ago. There was an exact moment when I became willing. I was 110 pounds, over 5’9” tall, and preparing a meal that was organic, vegan, and “perfect.” I’d been preparing it for 45 minutes and I couldn’t stop. And I didn’t know if it was enough food to keep me on the planet. This was 13 years after joining another 12-step program for food, and in some ways, I was just as sick and trapped as I had been then, when I went to my first meeting of the other program after a two-day binge on a sugar item in front of the TV. Sure, I wasn’t binging anymore, but my behavior with food was still way out of balance. The thirteen-year journey from that two-day binge to the “perfect” meal that inspired me to join FA was... Continue Reading
Passover is a Jewish holiday that commemorates the time when the Jewish people were liberated some 3,300 years ago from slavery in ancient Egypt. This year, I celebrated my own liberation and freedom from my obsession and compulsion with food by enjoying my traditional family Seder with a renewed sense of peace and contentment. As it happened I celebrated my three-year FA anniversary on the first night of Passover. Co-incidence? I think not. This year, the Seder was a reminder of my commitment and serenity in finding a program that has helped me manage my life. A lot of preparation typically goes into planning for the Seder dinner, which, this year, we hosted for 19 family members. In the past, I would have been stressed out that everything had to be perfect for my guests, and I would have been very self-conscious about my eating and fitting into my clothes.... Continue Reading
I am lover of the ocean. I’ve been sold from the very first time I jumped into the South Pacific Ocean, in 2012 during my honeymoon to Costa Rica. My body felt good because the water supported my weight. Just being around the ocean ignited me. If I could, I would float in the ocean day and night. My husband liked the water, but it wasn’t love. At that time I was close to 240 pounds. During that trip, we stayed at an all-inclusive resort in Drake’s Bay, which had several activities you could choose from: hiking, horseback riding, snorkeling, etc. On our first full day, my husband and I (mainly me) chose snorkeling. I fell in love with it. For the next four days, I chose again and again to get on the boat. The boat would leave at 7:30am, we would have lunch while out and then return... Continue Reading
I have been in recovery for many years. I never felt like I “had it made” but I was enjoying the peaceful contentment that comes with this way of life, when my emotions were shaken up with the news that my older brother had died. We were estranged, and although I had tried to reconcile with him over the past several years, I was unsuccessful. I was not notified of his death until about six weeks after his passing. I later found out that he had asked his hospice caretaker to try and locate me during the last few weeks, but his memory was failing him and he didn’t pass along my married name. When I finally got the news, I felt a wide range of emotions: intense sadness, guilt, anger, and resentment. I felt like I was on a child’s roller coaster of ups and downs. Thank God for... Continue Reading
