On my drive home from college after graduation, I felt full of self-loathing, disappointment, and despair. The drive took longer than usual because I had to pull over a few times to get my sobbing under control. My despair was overwhelming and the only thing that could relieve it was food, so I stopped several times at fast food drive-thrus. I couldn’t really connect that food might be the cause of my despair. I read in the Big Book recently something that sums up my attitude at the time: “To my way of thinking, booze (and in my case, food) had been the answer to my problems – not the problem itself.” I had thought a college degree would transform me into the happy person I so desperately wanted to be, and there I was, feeling the same old misery and disappointment in myself that I had carried for as... Continue Reading
I walked into my first FA meeting ten years ago and saw five people in the room. There was no back row where I could hide, with my stuffed stomach and agonized nerves. I had just had a several day out-of-control-binge. The women spoke about the fact that they loved this program and enjoyed being in healthy, normal-sized bodies. They had that glow in their eyes. I had a normal-sized body, too, but boy did I hate it. I still can’t recall why I came back to those small meetings that you hardly could call a group. I knew lots of larger Twelve-Step groups and thought that something must be wrong with this program, when so few people attended a meeting. On the other hand, I felt that I needed help with my suicidal food intake. I also can’t recall what made me, after five meetings, shyly ask a member... Continue Reading
When I was 29 years old, I made the mistake of experimenting with freebase cocaine and experienced a brush with death after having inhaled some vomit as a result. I was in a coma for eight days; on two occasions, I was told, I had flat-lined brain waves. I should have died; but God had other plans for me. When I came out of the coma, I wrestled with three bouts of pneumonia. My weight dropped from 185 pounds to 143 pounds, and at 6 foot 3 inches I was now skinny and weak. The doctors removed the feeding tubes, and taught me how to eat again without choking on the food, because at that point I had lost all my motor muscle skills as a result of the anoxia. The nurses began feeding me double entrées and triple desserts in an effort to put the weight back on. It... Continue Reading
I remember the day like it was yesterday instead of almost 15 years ago, when one of my greatest fears about being a morbidly obese middle-aged woman came to pass. I had been living in constant fear of falling and not being able to get up, with nobody around to help me. It happened at the office restroom. I stood up and was unable to walk or even move. The pain in my knee was unbearable. I was stuck in the stall. All the years of being obese had worn away the cartilage in my knees. I used a cane to walk, but I left my cane back in my office on the other side of the floor. It was mid-morning, and co-workers were in meetings. I waited for someone to come into the restroom. I finally had to shout for help. It was so embarrassing. Everyone was rushing around... Continue Reading
Dr. C. is a bright young ocular surgeon with a sparkling smile and numerous Ivy League degrees. I am so grateful my higher power cleared my way to her. I believed all my health issues were solved by a hundred pound weight loss and 18 months of abstinence in FA. All my doctors were delighted, my medical tests were stellar, I was taken off all my medications as well as CPAP. Until, my previous ophthalmologist diagnosed diabetic retinopathy and fear overwhelmed me. My years of diabetic denial and addictive eating had fired a consequential bullet not so easily dodged. The doctor recommended immediate laser eye surgery in two days. At the clinic door, the day of the planned surgery, I hesitated – terrified. During childhood, my beloved grandmother slowly went blind and losing my sight was my greatest fear. It took a moment, but I managed a deep breath and... Continue Reading
