I have been in FA for over a year, and so far the journey has been amazing, interesting, and at times, frustrating. Before FA, I did not contain or even express my feelings in any meaningful or consistent way. I simply ate through them, pushed them down with food, and or shifted into work-a-holic mode and ignored them. My emotions were strewn about amid food wrappers and crumbs that littered the floor as they fell from hasty hands and fingers feverishly shoveling food into my mouth while driving or sitting in front of the TV. My emotions were also contained in volumes of food; some empty calories and some healthy calories, but always a lot of food. If it was not food, work palliated my emotions through long hours and a jam packed schedule of non-work commitments. Twenty-one year old journal entries evince my desperation to lose weight and stop... Continue Reading
Eleven years ago, I was on the phone with a customer service representative of a plus-size women’s clothing line trying to order black palazzo pants in size 3XL and 4XL. The representative asked why I was ordering the same pants in two different sizes, because they have a very simple return policy. I explained to her that I had no idea what size I was and I was in desperately in need of an outfit for my best friend’s wedding, which was happening in less than a week. I had completely put off buying an outfit because I could not mentally deal with trying on clothes. There were no plus-size clothing stores within 50 miles of my home, and I ran out of time to buy an outfit in a store. I had even contemplated not going to my best friend’s wedding to avoid the whole situation. I had been... Continue Reading
When I came into FA, I was on Social Security disability because I am bipolar. I had a doctor who signed a letter saying that I would never work again because I was so mentally ill. I was bingeing and purging, and trying to not go back to using meth because I knew I would lose my disability and my housing. I had seen too many addicts throw everything away in the chase for the drug. I intuitively knew that every binge led to drinking, which led to meth, which led to jail, etc. But there was still no way on earth that I could quit bingeing and throwing up. I was desperate when I came into FA, and I fell in love with the program, even though I kicked, balked, and screamed at virtually every sponsor suggestion. By working with a strong, committed sponsor and taking all of her... Continue Reading
When people used to ask me what my greatest fear was, I wouldn’t say spiders or heights, I would say that I will fall in love with the man of my dreams, get married and be blissfully in love, and then a little while down the road he will wake up and realize that he doesn’t love me and that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I had always been afraid that I wouldn’t feel confident with the decision to marry. I thought that I would be thinking, on my wedding day, that this guy who I was committing my life to was a pretty good guy, good looking, and someone I respected and enjoyed, but that I wouldn’t feel passionate about him. I thought I would have doubts or feel that I was just settling, because I would think he was the best I could get.... Continue Reading
I got abstinent in a college town, where every other door was a food outfit. Many of the doors were very familiar, as this was the town where I had gone to college and had frequented many of the local eateries. As I walked down the street, the soundtrack in my head went something like this, Maybe I’ll have a …, no. Maybe I’ll go to …, no. Maybe I’ll get a…, no, not today. The food thoughts came fast and furious. On one particular day, as I heard the barrage of thoughts flying through my head, I thought, Man! I wasn’t this obsessed with food before I got abstinent! Almost the instant I had that thought, I realized that the reality was that before I got abstinent, every time I thought about food, I ate food. I never had to sit with the thought in my head and ride... Continue Reading
