When I came into FA, I had been in 12-step recovery programs for 19 years. Lots of them. Programs for money problems, programs for relationship problems, programs for alcohol programs – but never a program for problems with food. Those problems I could handle myself, thank you very much. Yet, here I was again in an AA meeting, using my sharing time to talk about powerlessness over sugar and how unmanageable my life was around food. I’d make a point of saying how grateful I was that I had stopped drinking alcohol, of course. But, I’d add, there was no getting around the fact that everything I read in the Big Book about the incessant thinking about the drink, craving the drink, the temporary relief derived from giving in to it, and the resulting remorse and disgust that followed, described my experiences of eating junk food and drinking sugary drinks. ... Continue Reading
I am now 225 pounds lighter than I was in the 11th grade, when I weighed 367 pounds. I have spent most of my adult life living in a 300-plus pound body. I am learning to live in this new body, and I have never been a fast learner. A whole new world has opened up to me and I feel like I’m living in a foreign country and don’t know the language. I never thought I would see this day, let alone be here to live it. The first time I realized things were different was one day last summer when I was shopping for some summer clothes. I went into the store and tried on the 2X and it was too big, as was the 1X and XL. I had no clue what to do. I called someone in FA. She told me to go to the lady’s... Continue Reading
Years ago when my husband and I were on vacation, we saw another pair of parents from our children’s grade school days. Sadly, a few years prior to this, they had lost their son to a brain aneurism. I didn’t recognize the husband, as he had gained 80-100 pounds. Some time later, when I described our friend’s weight gain to our son, his reaction was, “Of course he’s gained weight, Mom! His son died! Of course he would eat!!” I closed my eyes and kept my mouth shut. No need to say another word. But in my mind, I felt so grateful for FA and the fact that I don’t have to eat over any event. This is not to say that I haven’t! I didn’t find FA until I was 50 years old. There were many tortured years, when overeating, bulimia and over-exercising were my only solutions. I hated... Continue Reading
My 90th day of abstinence happened to be on one of the biggest food days of the year, Thanksgiving Day. I have to admit I was a bit fearful going into that Thursday. I am so grateful for my sponsor who reminded me that Thanksgiving is in fact just Thursday. It is another day that I weigh and measure my food and work the tools of the FA program. Thank you God for the reminders I get from my sponsor and from my fellows that there is no answer in the food. Food is no longer for comfort, entertainment, company, relaxation or any of the other nouns I’d use to justify eating addictively. For many years I have struggled with my abstinence and with the willingness to work the FA program. I thought that I could do the things I wanted to do each day and leave the rest. I... Continue Reading
Two days ago I walked to a nearby park for a reprieve. My mom had only days, maybe hours, left. Her periods of apnea were increasing and she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for 9 days in her coma state. I’m incredibly grateful that Hospice was able to keep her comfortable, but of course it’s still a gut wrenching process, counting the seconds between breaths, or imagining her waking with complete clarity and fear about death. Thankfully, along side the intense fear was gratitude – gratitude for the program of recovery that enabled me to take one next right action after the other in order to be of service to my mom and family, the fellowship that was and is a constant source of support, and my H.P. who I know is carrying me even though I sometimes question it. One aspect of this trip I was especially... Continue Reading
