I did not want to be in FA. A friend and I went to a few meetings years ago, and the speakers seemed so odd to me — self-indulgent, wallowing in their mistakes and “character defects.” Who wants to latch onto the idea that you have “character defects?” It seemed so negative, like self-flagellation. And all that God talk. I didn’t believe in God. The God of my childhood was punitive and vengeful. I couldn’t get away fast enough from that negative and guilt-ridden existence. But I was desperate. I could not stop eating. I felt sick, felt like I was poisoning myself. And I kept taking it out on my husband. So I dragged myself to a meeting, but crossed my arms over my chest at the idea of having a sponsor. I didn’t want someone telling me what to do. I didn’t want to ask permission from someone,... Continue Reading
I am almost two years into program, with over seven months of abstinence. I have lost my weight and am feeling good. Fundamentally, all is well. But then, some stress over work comes up, and I find myself eating mouthfuls of flour and sugar, and then deciding I just won’t tell my sponsor! Thankfully, I am having a “food dream.” Or, rather, a nightmare! I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart racing. The images of picking up and eating the very things I know can destroy me and send me spiraling back down into my addictive thinking and eating patterns was definitely nothing short of a nightmare – a floury, sugary, food nightmare. I know now that when I am experiencing anxiety in my day-to-day life, negative thoughts and fears start to creep in. These things are powerful and manifest themselves in my subconscious thoughts. I guess... Continue Reading
I couldn’t believe that my knee hurt. It didn’t just hurt—it was a stabbing, searing pain that I remembered well, but hadn’t felt in over three years. When I weighed over 300 pounds, that pain was a constant companion. I had to use a cane at the ripe old age of 49 just to walk the hallways of the school in which I taught. All that had changed, though, when I lost 160 pounds in FA. I have had the weight off for over three years and I haven’t even thought about my knee in that time. The cane is hanging idle in my front closet. I walk everywhere and have even been known to run a few places. I have enjoyed a freedom of movement I never dreamed possible. But Friday night, there was something wrong—something terribly wrong. It was my first full week of teaching in the new... Continue Reading
When I came into FA, I had been in 12-step recovery programs for 19 years. Lots of them. Programs for money problems, programs for relationship problems, programs for alcohol programs – but never a program for problems with food. Those problems I could handle myself, thank you very much. Yet, here I was again in an AA meeting, using my sharing time to talk about powerlessness over sugar and how unmanageable my life was around food. I’d make a point of saying how grateful I was that I had stopped drinking alcohol, of course. But, I’d add, there was no getting around the fact that everything I read in the Big Book about the incessant thinking about the drink, craving the drink, the temporary relief derived from giving in to it, and the resulting remorse and disgust that followed, described my experiences of eating junk food and drinking sugary drinks. ... Continue Reading
I am now 225 pounds lighter than I was in the 11th grade, when I weighed 367 pounds. I have spent most of my adult life living in a 300-plus pound body. I am learning to live in this new body, and I have never been a fast learner. A whole new world has opened up to me and I feel like I’m living in a foreign country and don’t know the language. I never thought I would see this day, let alone be here to live it. The first time I realized things were different was one day last summer when I was shopping for some summer clothes. I went into the store and tried on the 2X and it was too big, as was the 1X and XL. I had no clue what to do. I called someone in FA. She told me to go to the lady’s... Continue Reading
