Years ago when my husband and I were on vacation, we saw another pair of parents from our children’s grade school days. Sadly, a few years prior to this, they had lost their son to a brain aneurism. I didn’t recognize the husband, as he had gained 80-100 pounds. Some time later, when I described our friend’s weight gain to our son, his reaction was, “Of course he’s gained weight, Mom! His son died! Of course he would eat!!” I closed my eyes and kept my mouth shut. No need to say another word. But in my mind, I felt so grateful for FA and the fact that I don’t have to eat over any event. This is not to say that I haven’t! I didn’t find FA until I was 50 years old. There were many tortured years, when overeating, bulimia and over-exercising were my only solutions. I hated... Continue Reading
My 90th day of abstinence happened to be on one of the biggest food days of the year, Thanksgiving Day. I have to admit I was a bit fearful going into that Thursday. I am so grateful for my sponsor who reminded me that Thanksgiving is in fact just Thursday. It is another day that I weigh and measure my food and work the tools of the FA program. Thank you God for the reminders I get from my sponsor and from my fellows that there is no answer in the food. Food is no longer for comfort, entertainment, company, relaxation or any of the other nouns I’d use to justify eating addictively. For many years I have struggled with my abstinence and with the willingness to work the FA program. I thought that I could do the things I wanted to do each day and leave the rest. I... Continue Reading
Two days ago I walked to a nearby park for a reprieve. My mom had only days, maybe hours, left. Her periods of apnea were increasing and she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for 9 days in her coma state. I’m incredibly grateful that Hospice was able to keep her comfortable, but of course it’s still a gut wrenching process, counting the seconds between breaths, or imagining her waking with complete clarity and fear about death. Thankfully, along side the intense fear was gratitude – gratitude for the program of recovery that enabled me to take one next right action after the other in order to be of service to my mom and family, the fellowship that was and is a constant source of support, and my H.P. who I know is carrying me even though I sometimes question it. One aspect of this trip I was especially... Continue Reading
Tuesday nights were once a terrible night for reaching my fellows by phone. I was living in my Alaska hometown where there were no FA meetings, but I had built up a close group of fellows in California. They, and my sponsor, were all in an AWOL together on Tuesday nights. So, not only were they not available Tuesday nights, but to make matters worse, they would talk about having dinner with each other before that AWOL. I felt a little left out, and a lot of envy. I wanted a fellowship around me too. I had a low-grade dread of Tuesday nights! My sponsor picked up on it. She encouraged me to visit, to spend time in California, around people who were really committed to FA recovery. So, I came to visit. I loved being in California where I wore a skirt and flip-flops, and could ride a bike... Continue Reading
Sometimes it seems as if I have slipped into life as into a theatre, when half the movie was already over. In this movie, there has been a complicated plot and I have to determine the first, unseen half of it, from developments in the second. I am never quite sure what’s going on. Anger is the aspect my character I have the most difficulty in integrating. Difficult, because it developed in the first, unseen part of the movie, my early life as an addict. I know I released anger as rage in an immature, inadequate cover-up for fear, abandonment, and inadequacy. I also know I had to change, to develop, or be written out of the plot. If only it were really a movie, the protagonist of which “struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.” Of course, I might complete the quotation... Continue Reading
