For me, addictive eating is like shopping with a credit card. Initially it is gratifying and easy to purchase that unplanned, unnecessary yet attractive thing—that new pair of Manolo shoes, or maybe the Oprah magazine while checking out at the grocery store. At the moment it seems like a good idea to make the purchase, crafted by an impulse that tells me I will feel or be better if I have that thing. The impulse morphs into an uncontrollable urge, and I think that now I need that thing, regardless of the consequences. Food thoughts enter my head in a very similar fashion. They tell me that if I eat that unplanned, unnecessary, yet attractive thing, I will feel or be better. With all those extra credit card purchases, the anticipation of my monthly card statement can become a dreadful thing, similar to the dread of the bathroom scale after... Continue Reading
I recently attended one of the 12 Thank-a-Thons in California. I was so grateful to have a place to go to listen to all of the wonderful stories of recovering food addicts. I have lost 40 pounds from my top weight of 155. I used to want to be grateful on Thanksgiving and other days, but I could never get there until FA came into my life. For me, Thanksgiving was just another binge that wasn’t eaten behind closed doors (as most of my other binges were). I started the meal by eating bowls of food that were meant to be appetizers. Once I put the bite in my mouth, I couldn’t stop. I was always powerless and hopeless throughout the holiday. There was a war going on in my mind. I would hear, “Oh that looks so good. Mmm, tasty. I better save room for that one! Why did... Continue Reading
Prior to coming to FA, my holidays were mostly about food, and my thoughts were focused on food. I would be thinking about what I was going to eat and where I was going to eat. There were some holidays when I was so filled up with self-pity that I had thoughts of suicide or my death. (In many ways I was spiritually dead.) Many of my thoughts were negative. I thought negatively about myself and about others. I wanted to belong and be a part of something, but didn’t know how to do it. I thought that if I had someone special to spend the holiday with, if I purchased the right outfit, and, of course, if I had the right meal, then I would be okay. Many of my thoughts were rooted in low self-esteem and low self-worth. Prior to FA, I really had no idea what I... Continue Reading
The bags are packed. I just need to put my toothbrush in my bag before leaving for my first trip to Thailand. I have been in FA for some years now, and I know that the reason I will be able to enjoy this trip to the fullest is because I am bringing my recovery with me. In the past, a vacation was an excuse to eat. I wanted to “reward” myself with excess – excess food, excess drink, excess sloth. I would think: I had worked hard, didn’t I deserve it? On past vacations, I often thought of the new places I was visiting as a good way to diet. I thought that, after all, maybe of these other countries wouldn’t have all the foods I was used to. In my mind, it was always good to have some circumstance that would keep me away from food. Exercise was... Continue Reading
For the first 60 years of my life, my weight was always at the high end of normal, although I was in a right-size body during my teens, thanks to drugs. I learned to graze rather than eat normal meals, so I developed the habit of eating small amounts all day long. As an adult, I would lose the same 25-30 pounds over and over by increasing my exercise and lowering my caloric intake. But the weight came back on as soon as I would try to eat what I perceived to be “normally.” When I was 50, I injured my back and was unable to exercise, and my weight shot up to over 200 pounds, then to 225, and finally to my highest of 251 (10 pounds higher than when I entered FA.) While I became increasingly more depressed about my weight and the toll it was taking on... Continue Reading
