Prior to coming to FA, my holidays were mostly about food, and my thoughts were focused on food. I would be thinking about what I was going to eat and where I was going to eat. There were some holidays when I was so filled up with self-pity that I had thoughts of suicide or my death. (In many ways I was spiritually dead.) Many of my thoughts were negative. I thought negatively about myself and about others. I wanted to belong and be a part of something, but didn’t know how to do it. I thought that if I had someone special to spend the holiday with, if I purchased the right outfit, and, of course, if I had the right meal, then I would be okay. Many of my thoughts were rooted in low self-esteem and low self-worth. Prior to FA, I really had no idea what I... Continue Reading
The bags are packed. I just need to put my toothbrush in my bag before leaving for my first trip to Thailand. I have been in FA for some years now, and I know that the reason I will be able to enjoy this trip to the fullest is because I am bringing my recovery with me. In the past, a vacation was an excuse to eat. I wanted to “reward” myself with excess – excess food, excess drink, excess sloth. I would think: I had worked hard, didn’t I deserve it? On past vacations, I often thought of the new places I was visiting as a good way to diet. I thought that, after all, maybe of these other countries wouldn’t have all the foods I was used to. In my mind, it was always good to have some circumstance that would keep me away from food. Exercise was... Continue Reading
For the first 60 years of my life, my weight was always at the high end of normal, although I was in a right-size body during my teens, thanks to drugs. I learned to graze rather than eat normal meals, so I developed the habit of eating small amounts all day long. As an adult, I would lose the same 25-30 pounds over and over by increasing my exercise and lowering my caloric intake. But the weight came back on as soon as I would try to eat what I perceived to be “normally.” When I was 50, I injured my back and was unable to exercise, and my weight shot up to over 200 pounds, then to 225, and finally to my highest of 251 (10 pounds higher than when I entered FA.) While I became increasingly more depressed about my weight and the toll it was taking on... Continue Reading
I’ve been under a fair amount of strain lately. A dear friend of mine is dying from a metastasized cancer. I have an energetic and challenging sixteen year old. My older son is struggling at college. My husband injured himself and has been having a rough time dealing with the injury. Work has been very busy. In other words, life is happening, despite my being in a right-sized body. All of the above are hard enough, but combine them with the cold and rainy Sunday of last weekend, and I had a potential recipe for disaster. On that gray, wet, dreary day, all I wanted to do was to curl up on my sofa under a blanket and eat and watch television. But I didn’t. Instead, I worked my program. I called people and told them what I was feeling. Aloud, I said to them, “I want to eat.” Somehow,... Continue Reading
I felt different when I was growing up and was somewhat of a loner. My gay feelings inside reinforced this isolation. I could never tell anyone about this part of me. I heard very little about God growing up. I only heard, “God sees everything,” meaning “watch out.” Or if I stubbed my toe or dropped something, it was “God works in mysterious ways.” I prayed up to the stars to please help me figure out/understand the feelings I had inside. It seemed to me that I was a little girl trapped in a boy’s body! Food was always there at birthdays, holidays, vacations, and all the days in between. We celebrated life with food. I comforted and rewarded myself with food treats. In some ways food helped get me through a very difficult part of my life by numbing me out. Using food this way became a ritual and... Continue Reading
