When I entered the doors of FA at 155 pounds, I was broken in many areas of life, not just with food. As the AA Big Book says, alcohol was but a symptom. In the same way, what I did or didn’t do with food was but a symptom of far deeper personality problems that I have had from the get-go. I found FA after talking with someone from another food program I was in, who had been in FA for a few months. She talked about how she found help from the unity and structure of FA, and from FA’s definition of abstinence. She said that the clear-cut directions were helping to keep her abstinent, one day at a time, on life’s good days and bad. My eating began as a little tot, when I was told that I rummaged through open pantries and crawled with anticipation and delight... Continue Reading
The speaker at the first FA meeting I attended was adorable and wore a yellow, cardigan sweater. All of the buttons were buttoned, which was what got my attention. I could not button my sweaters. My blouses, on the other hand, had safety pins to keep the gaps closed. Not a pretty sight! That meeting really woke me up for the first time in forever. People actually said out loud what I’d kept in the dark cave of my own guilt and despair for my entire life. At the meeting I heard the speaker ask people with less than 90 days of abstinence to read from the front of the room. I immediately decided (or my disease decided for me) that I would not be getting up there to read. I did not want to be seen in the last, stretched pair of pants that still kind of fit. I... Continue Reading
I was eating when I didn’t want to be eating. This phrase came into my head in a small, clear voice one day while I was sitting in my morning quiet time. I had already been in recovery for three years, but couldn’t see how I was a food addict. I spent so long in such a deep level of denial that it took years of abstinence before I was able to see my food addiction for what it was. I always had some justification for the way I ate. I said I ate a lot because…then I would just choose from one of the following: I played lacrosse. I was a tall girl. I had a fast metabolism. I was bored. I was hung over. I was high. I was Jewish. I was hungry. What I learned in recovery was that I was incredibly insecure, fearful, and uncomfortable in... Continue Reading
I sat on the sofa in my hotel room this morning, my stomach churning. Sinus colds have a way of interrupting my sleeping pattern, and I had been up since 4 a.m. Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to start my day as I always do, thanking my Higher Power for rest, abstinence, and for the life I have today. Then I sat still for 30 minutes. My mind was filled with phrases from the Twenty-Four Hour a Day book. I was reminded of how different things are in my life today than they were three years ago. As I sat, I pressed my hand to my stomach and it vibrated. The clock reminded me that I still had two hours until breakfast, so I closed my eyes and returned to my quiet time of meditation. As my stomach continued to grumble, I was reminded that in recovery... Continue Reading
I came into FA at age 52 and had just lost 110 pounds after doing my own diet. I still had more weight to lose (my highest weight was 256) and a certain food had me by the throat and I couldn’t stop dreaming, fantasizing, and thinking about it. The weight started to creep up again. God led me into FA, and within three months the rest of the weight was off. I made a few mistakes here and there for a few months. I got 90 days of abstinence, lost it, got six months a couple of times, and then lost it. Then after about a year, I started to get into the food big time again. Finally, I was convinced that I needed to stop eating, and life was abstinent and good for almost nine years. Now looking back, I realize that I actually “white-knuckled it” for all of... Continue Reading
