I recall the first time I heard it, “Every surrender brings you closer to God.” Those were the words I heard over the phone as I reached out to a fellow FA member, complaining to her about my struggle with my morning caffeine drink. She was a woman I didn’t even know, someone my sponsor suggested I call because she had long-term abstinence. Her words seemed empty at the time. Yeah, sure, closer to God, I thought. It was bad enough that I had already surrendered one thing I liked to put into my drink. Then my sponsor suggested that I just drink it black. I was feeling sorry for myself for having to make yet another sacrifice. Poor old me. I had given up so much. But this was my morning ritual, my family’s social lubricant. My parents very rarely drank alcohol; it was the cup of caffeine that... Continue Reading
I was standing at the kitchen counter, watching the talking heads on the TV across the room, as I became aware that I was about to finish my sixth bowl of breakfast product and was getting ready to pour my seventh. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t. That’s when I knew I needed help. Again. I’d been in Twelve-Step programs before: Al-a-teen, Al-a-non, AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), and OA. I knew there was help out there. I knew that some of the meetings that would benefit me were right across the street from my office, but that didn’t change my behavior one bit. It was just me and my lack of action. Now I knew I would have to actually do something; I would have to move into action. So I went to my laptop and searched the internet for, “OA meetings.” The list popped up, and the next morning, I... Continue Reading
I believe that I have been a food addict since I came out of the womb. As early as nine or ten, I began having the feeling that food was a drug. When I started something, I couldn’t help but finish it. I started feeling ashamed of my body because I was so fat. At 12, I weighted 174 pounds, with a huge double chin, round belly, and a square back. Making friends was hard because I was so insecure and got teased a lot in school. I wanted what everyone else had all the time. I was on a constant search to be something other than myself. I failed at the diets I tried as a kid because I was always trying to find a way I could keep eating and not feel deprived. I would work my way around the kitchen on a futile hunt for the one... Continue Reading
Years ago, I spent nine years in Overeater’s Anonymous (OA), but they let me define my own abstinence, which didn’t work for me. My last diet before coming into FA was Weight Watchers. Week after week, I got on the scale and prayed I would weigh at least the same as I had the week before. It didn’t really matter what the scale said though, because if my weight was down, I would eat, and if I stayed the same, I would eat that day and then start back the next day. I thought that even if I ate that day, by the following week, I would have a weight loss. I often thought that if my weight was up anyway, I might as well eat. It always seemed that the best answer was to eat. Food and I had a love connection from the start. Food was my friend,... Continue Reading
I am sitting in a hospital bed. I am 52 years “young,” and it is now three days since my surgery. I am a doctor at this hospital and the one usually providing the care, so it is very strange to receive all of this medical attention. I originally came into the hospital for a colonoscopy screening. I am grateful for the gift of clarity to practice what I preach and come in for the test. I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I weighed 253.5 pounds when I joined FA, and I weighed 135.5 at home the morning of my surgery. I can’t believe I have only eaten four meals in the last six days because of the tests and the surgery associated with the diagnosis. More incredible is how peaceful and surrendered I am about both the diagnosis and the not eating. I have already received innumerable gifts in... Continue Reading
