After 14 years of binging and purging almost every day, and despite the overwhelming shame and guilt I felt about these things, I finally confided in a friend that I had a problem with food. I remember feeling instant relief after telling her. She told me about FA. I went to my very first FA meeting a day after confiding in my friend. There was a beautiful woman speaking at the front of a room filled with about forty people. I don’t remember much about what she said except that she did not eat flour or sugar. It took a little while for that to sink into my brain, as I could not imagine such a thing being possible. At the break, I asked the woman sitting next to me if she ever ate flour or sugar. She gently and lovingly replied, “I do not eat it—one day at a... Continue Reading
When I was heavy, I didn’t enjoy shopping at all and had no interest in it. It was way too hard to find clothes that fit, and it was a chore trying things on. Of course, nothing fit. I’d end up trying a size bigger, first a 14, then a 16, and before long, in order to get something that didn’t bind or feel too tight, I was in the 1X section. That was the ultimate humiliation. I was embarrassed to even be in that section, and I felt as if everyone was looking at me and judging me. I couldn’t believe that I was that big, but I was. I could never go shopping alone, and I went only if I had some special event. The whole shopping thing always seemed impossible, and I avoided it like the plague. I basically had no fashion sense whatsoever. I didn’t know... Continue Reading
My brother’s voice sounded calm and clear when he said, “Our mother was found dead in her garden yesterday.” I stopped cutting vegetables. “Dead? What do you mean … dead?” I responded, “No, This is impossible. She was fine when she was here four weeks ago.” My brother said that he didn’t know what happened, but that she was, in fact, dead. I hung up and a dark and heavy cloud engulfed me that would stay with me for another year. Mom! My mom… My mom and I had a very ambivalent relationship. It has never been easy. Memories of a lifetime relationship with mom flooded my mind. The day she beat me up when I was 17. The day she had laughed out loud about my breasts when I was 14. The day she took me to the hospital after I had taken an overdose. Our relationship had become... Continue Reading
My struggle with weight began after the birth of my first child when I was in my late twenties, although I was able to lose and maintain a healthy weight through Weight Watchers until the birth of my third son. By my early forties, I simply could not stick with a diet. The higher my weight, the more sick I became; the more sick I became, the more junk food I ate for comfort. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and after two years on a health leave, I entered a fibro treatment program. My symptoms improved for several years. At that time I had been in a relationship for five years. When I attempted to lose weight and shed 20 pounds, my partner felt threatened by my weight loss, which apparently triggered his insecurities. He would say things like, “You are going to leave me once you lose the weight,”... Continue Reading
“What?” I screeched (on the inside). My sponsor had just suggested that I withdraw a large sum of money from my savings account to visit Nordstrom to get fitted for a good bra. This suggestion came on the heels of my admission that I did not want to purchase my clothing from second-hand stores or thrift shops anymore. When I came to FA, not only were my clothes worn out, faded, and ill-fitting, but they were also stained, not washed very often or well, and certainly were not ironed. A while ago, I had planned to go shopping for new clothes one Sunday morning after my committed meeting. I called my sponsor in a panic because I was not sure I could shop and get home in time for lunch. She agreed that I should go home and have lunch. She said that she had so much fun shopping, that... Continue Reading
