Thankfully, during my first year in Program, I lost more than 120 pounds, did my tools daily, completed an AWOL, and began sponsoring. I happen to be a pretty joyful person, and I often get asked how to be happy. I tell people that even the cheeriest people need tools to help them stay positive when life happens. But dark storms often do come. During a six-month period, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition, had adrenal exhaustion, my father died, I lost my job, my mother had heart failure, and I had to sell my house to get rid of a bad loan. Keeping my abstinence during this time was challenging. My health problems were frightening and expensive to treat. Among other symptoms, I suffered from anxiety, weight gain (from the illness, not from eating), and low motivation. My dreams and personal pride were destroyed. I could easily have believed... Continue Reading
At my first FA meeting I saw 50 people in the room who were living life in normal-sized bodies. They were showing up for difficult life situations without running away and hiding in food. I knew I was in the right place, because besides being fat, I had another problem; I could not live life. I wanted life to go away and let me hide. I was 25-years-old and had a very tiny, lonely life. At a size 18 and very naïve, I came into this recovery program and even before losing weight, I became hungry to live life and be a grown up. I lost 40 pounds in three months (five dress sizes) and was at goal weight very quickly. I then began learning how to live like a real person; it was a long process. I learned how to make conversation at the FA meeting breaks, how to... Continue Reading
In my early teenage years, I remember shopping at a warehouse clothing store with my mother. I was not yet overweight, but I was already extremely self-conscious about my body, and I was sure I was fat. (This is a disease that starts in my head, that’s for sure!) We staked out a spot by a mirror in the communal dressing room. My mother tried to shield me, but it was still a humiliating, uncomfortable experience, and I absolutely could not enjoy trying on the pretty outfits. The insanity, too, was that although I “knew” I was fat, I could somehow see that others were even fatter than I was. I was very ill at ease with some of the women in the dressing room, who were really obese. The whole experience was suffocating and stressful. In another shopping experience, I walked into a little boutique clothing store in search of an outfit for... Continue Reading
Five years ago I came into FA, desperate to lose weight. I weighed 330 pounds and was ravaged by medical complications. I had sleep apnea, hypertension, fibromyalgia, renal failure, incipient heart failure, premature osteoarthritis, and pre-diabetes. At the age of 55, and after decades of obesity, my body had lost its ability to buffer any further insults. It had lost its functional reserve to the point where organs were starting to fail and show the clinical effects of longstanding food abuse. The only option open was bariatric surgery. Nothing else had worked and I thought nothing else was available or would work. I had reached rock bottom. Some would say that it was serendipity that I heard about FA while driving home. For me it was nothing less than a miracle, because the week before I found FA, I was on my knees crying and praying to God to give... Continue Reading
This was my fourth time doing a Step-Four inventory in FA, where I was encouraged to make a list of my “character defects,” or problems. I expected it to be easier, not harder, than previous times, and in some ways it was. I was more willing and able to recognize and accept my character defects. But it had also gotten harder in many respects. During the weeks when I was actively engaged in writing about my problems, it was painful to have my less-attractive qualities “in my face” day in and day out. I found myself triggered more than usual by difficult circumstances, and I made decisions or took actions too quickly, not following my own advice to stop, take a breath, and ask for guidance from my Higher Power. I was feeling particularly sad about my actions around a specific work situation. There was a mistake in a project... Continue Reading
