Being active in food addiction kept me from really living a full life and having deep meaningful relationships with people. I preferred to have relationships with characters on TV or random people I met while traveling. I never had a committed, healthy romantic relationship before I came to FA. Truthfully, I am not sure why. Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt, hurting someone else, or being abandoned. I thought nobody would really love me if they got to know me. Food was my closest companion and it kept me isolated. Then I got abstinent, my heart opened and softened, and I fell in love and got married. Boom! All was perfect, right? Wrong! There were so many times I wanted to run, not into someone else’s arms, but to my old life of living by myself. It was quieter, simpler, and easier. But I knew it was just my... Continue Reading
I met someone at a workshop and asked her how she was losing weight. She invited me to meet her at an FA meeting in Encino, CA. At the meeting, I didn’t hear anything except that I would have to give up flour and sugar and weigh and measure my food. I said, “That’s not for me,” and when the meeting ended, I left. During that week, I thought about my beloved foods and consumed them in mass quantities. Just the thought of giving them up increased my craving and desire for them. At the end of that week, I was in a lot of bodily pain and went to my chiropractor. I thought I might have fibromyalgia or another illness. The doctor said that if he didn’t know better, he would swear that I had been eating a lot of flour and sugar. That was it! I realized what... Continue Reading
As I look at my computer keyboard, I can’t help but notice the keys named “option” and “command.” I look at these keys many times during the day, and I always think about my life choices before FA and my choices now that I am in FA recovery. When I first came into FA, I heard many of my sponsor’s “suggestions” as commands. She advised me on how to food shop, what type of food scale to buy, how to weigh and measure my food, what times to eat my meals, and what meetings to go to. She asked me to call her at exactly a certain time, and advised that I take 30 minutes of quiet time, make phone calls, and follow other tools of the program. So commanding, I thought. Before FA, I could not stop eating when I wanted to stop eating, not for one day, not... Continue Reading
Before Program I just wouldn’t open the mail it if it looked unpleasant. One time I got some mail that I think was saying that I was supposed to go to court. I’m not sure, because I just tossed it and then I binged and purged until my mind was blown. Months later, my disability payments got shut off. I had gotten a felony charge because I had not shown up to court. Now when I go to answer the mail, I still get a leap of fear in my heart, probably because I’m still new at opening it. My sponsor in FA says that she checks her mail every day. Oh God! No way, I thought. But I can’t let fear rule my life anymore. It will send me back to the food. So I try to say a little prayer and go to gratitude. So today I went to check the mail. I took... Continue Reading
I walked into the room of my very first FA meeting on a Sunday evening, feeling cocky, arrogant, pig headed, angry, and self-absorbed. At the same time, I also felt shy, extremely frightened, terribly disturbed, isolated, and withdrawn. This confusing way of being, having so many conflicting emotions running the show at one time, was standard for me. That was before FA and especially before going through an AWOL. I would wake each morning bewildered and confused about what to do for that day, not sure of which way to turn. I had trouble determining what it was I had to do next. Sometimes on really bad days, I would question how I could even make it through the day. I would have long drawn-out arguments inside my head (not out loud, for if someone had ever witnessed these arguments, they would have locked me away). These interior head arguments... Continue Reading
