I love the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book. It reminds me of where I used to be—I was an addiction hopper, depending on many things in addition to food. I remember depending on alcohol to break down my shyness so I could have a good time dancing at country music bars. I remember moaning and groaning with a whiskey bottle in my hand when I had a bad sore throat, and I expected my husband to take charge of getting me to a doctor. That immaturity amazes me now that I am on the other side of owning my own responsibilities. I have a clear memory of what I did to manage my high anxiety when I had a fight with my husband. I couldn’t get to the store fast enough for a pack of cigarettes for a nicotine fix. When it came to food, it seemed I didn’t need a particular reason to... Continue Reading
I didn’t have recognizable weight issues until my late forties. I was always just shy of 140 pounds, but then I started to put weight on, primarily helped by a stress-related job. I was very addicted to flour and sugar and used them to medicate myself when I had any feelings. I would act out, not only with food, but also with rage and anger—corrosive anger. I was like a dry-drunk—mercurial, grandiose, manipulative, sentimental, and confused. The key was my inner state. If I felt incapable, less-than, or mildly threatened, I would react violently. When I was a kid, I remember taking a friend to visit my grandmother, who had looked after me after my mother died. My grandmother liked my friend and commented on his politeness. I felt really threatened, as he seemed to be usurping her heart. I picked a fight with him and struck him, hurting him... Continue Reading
When I weighed 275 pounds I would lie in bed and say to myself that I would do anything to be thin. Today I realize that my “anything” is working my FA program. Yes, there are moments when I think how nice it would be to stay in bed and not be up before dawn. There are cold nights when all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch television, not go out to an FA meeting. When I have those thoughts, however, I think them through. Because I know that even though I have lost 125 pounds and proudly wear a size six, I am still a food addict and only one bite away from being off to the races and putting those 125 pounds back on. Even though I didn’t start to visibly wear my disease until I was in my late 30s, I’ve... Continue Reading
Pretty much from the beginning, I had difficulty surrendering to my sponsor’s suggestions. One of the reasons for this is that I had come into FA from other Twelve-Step programs and had been trained in my habits for more than 20 years. “Doing my own thing” began with keeping small secrets, but eventually escalated to a larger scale. When I visited my daughter in another state, I would eat a snack in the movies with my grandchildren, or eat all of something in the refrigerator while my daughter was at work. I would then rush to the market to replace it before my daughter came home. I failed to tell anyone about these things. After a while, my peace of mind and serenity were gone, and I began to feel miserable. During this period, even though I was in severe emotional pain, I continued sponsoring, leading meetings, and even became... Continue Reading
I have been in program for three-and-a-half months. Tomorrow, with God’s grace, will be my first 90 abstinent days. Today I am saying goodbye to a dear, dear friend. Our family’s 14-and-a-half-year-old apricot standard poodle is growing weaker and sicker each day. We are saying goodbye today so that she won’t have to suffer anymore. I can’t tell you how sad I am and the level of emotion I am feeling. We are “dog people.” Our dog has been an important part of our family’s life. She loves her walks and is often the one initiating a walk. She expectantly walks to the door at the time we usually go out and looks back at me hopefully. These walks are good for both of us. Not only do I enjoy her company, but it has always been a reflective time for me. Our early morning walks are most often with... Continue Reading
