A Story of Recovery:

Pathway to Serenity

Recently I had my driveway repaved and had the flagstones of my front walk redone with decorative pebbles. I had wanted to update the curb-appeal of my house for years and was extremely pleased with the results.

A few weeks later, the DC area was hit by a series of storms that left many without electricity, and houses were struck with fallen trees. The storm caused devastation for many, while I only lost Internet, phone, and TV. However, the new, decorative pebbles were blown all over my new driveway. I called the contractor a few times and left messages. I felt a righteous indignation that he should fix this mess.

I soon realized that my serenity was in jeopardy, as I was having a mental tug-of-war between “getting” the contractor and staying in contented abstinence.

I am a food addict who wobbled into FA at 218 pounds, fighting for my life. Physically, I was experiencing heart palpitations, tightness around my neck, foot problems, and terrible acid-reflux. I could not stop eating. I knew that I needed to lose weight, but I did not know how to do it. Every morning, I planned to be good and not eat, but could not make it through breakfast. Once I started to eat, I could not stop.

While at work, I tried really hard to pay attention and concentrate, but if food was around, my mind would gravitate toward it—how to get it, how much I could eat without being noticed, and when I could go get seconds. My obsession with food would be off and running.

If I was not actually eating, I was obsessing about food and was constantly trying to find the exact food that I was craving. I must have spent as much time as others spend on a doctorate-level dissertation trying to figure out what is was that I really wanted to eat! Do I want soft or chewy, salty or sweet, soft or crunchy? These are the questions I would ponder while standing in front of the refrigerator, probably munching on something just until I made my decision.

My life was completely unmanageable. I wanted to stop binging, purging, feeling bloated, and getting up in the middle night with regurgitations, but I could not. There was a constant back and forth going on between wanting to eat, and what I knew was the right thing to do, which was not to eat. The mental energy was exhausting, and I was miserable. I did not know what to do. I wanted to get off the crazy merry-go-around that was far from merry and was killing me.

When I came into FA, I heard about the miracles of the program from the meeting format and was sure that it would never happen for me. My hope and goal was that maybe, just maybe, I could get under 200 pounds. One ninety-nine sounded so much better than 200. I had not seen the scale under 200 for decades. I actually would take one foot off the scale, or hold onto the towel rack, just to experience what it would be like to weigh 198.

In FA, the weight came off, and today I weigh between 118-119 pounds. The miracles of this program are in my life, and I get to live a mostly serene life. I have learned that serenity is priceless; it tastes better than any dessert I could have imagined. Today I do not spend my life in front of the open refrigerator wondering what food would satisfy my craving. The craving is gone, and what I want more than anything is to have contended abstinence.

I realized that a food addict like me couldn’t entertain thoughts of “getting the contractor,” because it would not protect my serenity and it might lead me back to food. When I think of forfeiting the gifts that I have today for a few pebbles, the kaleidoscope shifts into a brand new perspective.

Today I swept up the pebbles and fixed them around the flagstones. At 118 pounds, it was not a major task, and I could let go of my obsession. I could also call the contractor and leave him the message that I will not need him to come by, as I had taken care of it. I could also thank him for the great job he did on my front yard…and really mean it.