A Story of Recovery:

Pregnant, Fat, and Miserable

I came into FA at age 34. I was fat and miserable. I was 19 weeks pregnant with my third child, weighed over 170 pounds (at 4’ 11”), on Jenny Craig, and exercising any chance I could get.

My weight climbed every month, and by the end of my pregnancy, I had gained over 52 pounds. I hated myself for getting so fat, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop eating (mainly flour and sugar). The more I ate, the more I craved. I ate for two, and was a very proud, fat, pregnant woman. I had to wear a brace because my back and hip were so bad. I had horrible indigestion and heartburn and would often have my head over the toilet bowl attempting to alleviate the discomfort.

I was induced 10 days early because I was retaining fluid and was in a lot of pain. I was in such denial about my weight and how I looked and did not want to admit or accept that I had a problem. I would often tell myself lies like: I still have a stomach because I had a Cesarean and it takes longer to lose or I’m breastfeeding, therefore I’m hungrier and need more food.

When I was pregnant with my second child two-and-a-half years later, instead of being excited, I was devastated. I was scared that my weight would go up again. I joined a gym with a personal trainer and trained intensely three times a week for an hour and a half, boot camp style.

I had Placenta Previa, which meant my placenta was at the bottom of my uterus, and I started bleeding in my first trimester. This knowledge did not stop my heavy exercise regime, even though my unborn child’s life was at risk. Not even impending doom would come between my exercise and me. I would get to the gym, vomit, run over six miles with weights, vomit while jogging, and come back bleeding.

After four weeks and many stern warnings from my obstetrician, I finally let go of the rigorous exercise. I felt defeated. Sure enough, I did get back to over 170 pounds.

I spent another four-and-a-half years in denial, tried many things, and spent a lot of money to try and control my weight and body image obsession. I badly wanted to be skinny. I tried anorexia, but I was so hungry that I couldn’t do it. I tried bulimia, but could not make myself vomit. I tried diet pills that gave me terrible diarrhea. I tried hypnotherapy, gyms, commercial diets from overseas, self-help books, dieticians, and psychologists until I finally succumbed to antidepressants.

After another two years of struggling and suffering, I went to my first FA meeting defeated and broken. This deadly disease finally had me. It made me think that being fat was unacceptable, and it made me determined to do whatever I needed to do to prevent myself from becoming fat. I hated myself, I hated my life, I felt like a failure. I was angry and depressed and my life was becoming unmanageable and very small.

I remember the relief I felt at that first meeting when I heard that I had “a disease of the mind, body and spirit.” I heard the words “food addict” and it finally made sense. Where food is involved, I am completely powerless. I am an addict around food, and I need help to live life without my drug –food.

I finally found the solution to my food problem. It is seven-plus years later, I am over six years abstinent, and had a third child. I have finally found neutrality around food and my body image. I now the weight I’m supposed to be and no longer weigh myself many times a day. I no longer have those constant food thoughts and fights in my head over what to eat and what not to eat. I no longer tell myself what a bad person I am. I am also not exercising obsessively and no longer stay in bed under the covers feeling full, fat, and depressed.

I am happy today and look forward to waking up each morning. I have integrity; what I say, I do. I show up to life and am of service. I used to feel angry and resentful at having to do things for others, but today I do service so that I can help reach other suffering food addicts. I do service to get out of myself, because I know that if I stay in my self- centeredness, it leads only to self pity, which breeds negative thinking, which then takes me back to the food.

I love that I have a commitment to my abstinence.  I love that I get to do this program one day at a time. It is a beautiful gift from my Higher Power.