A Story of Recovery:

Pressing Pause

At 37 years old, I am going through the FA “change of life.” After a year in Program, I now realize that my Higher Power can do amazing things in just a “mini-pause” before I react. My previous reactions to life brought my weight up to 340 pounds. As appalling as that was, my behavior was even more notorious. I was full of anger at my own weakness and inabilities, and my anger spewed out onto family, friends, and co-workers. The people I cared for the most bore the brunt of my depression and insanity.

My reaction to everything was instantaneous and uncontrollable. Instant thoughts of food led to instant eating. Instant realization of unfilled expectations led to instant criticism. Neither the food nor my outbursts were gratifying. I felt completely powerless over my reactions. My actions were instant, but the self-loathing over those reactions lingered and multiplied.

Being willing to commit my three weighed and measured meals, with nothing in between, created my first mini-pause lesson. When faced with a food temptation, I would take a mini-pause. FA sayings, such as “we call before we take the bite,” would flash into my mind. I’d take a mini-pause and imagine the embarrassing conversation I would need to have with my sponsor if I gave into the temptation. I’d remember the heavy load I carried both on my body and in my mind when I used to eat that stuff. I found that while I had some small discomfort when I didn’t give into my instant food thought, I benefited from long periods of self-accomplishment.

As the days of abstinence pile up, I find that the mini-pause is helpful in other areas of my life. When clients are challenging, I take a mini-pause and ask God to bless them and change me. When raising a teenage son on my own is difficult, I take a mini-pause and try to say what I mean without being mean. When there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to complete my endless to-do list, I take a mini-pause and remember that I am enough, I have enough, and I do enough.

I cannot describe the miracle that the mini-pause has made in my life. I can only say that I am joyous, happy, and free of self-loathing, and that I finally have the tools to deal with life on life’s terms. The only drawback to the FA “change of life” is that losing 156 pounds of insulation gives me the chills instead of hot flashes!