A Story of Recovery:

Putting FA First

As long as I can remember, I have always had other people in my life to take care of. When I was a pre-teen, I had a diabetic grandmother. She lived with my aunt and her family and there were times when my aunt was not able to be there for her. My grandma didn’t need round-the-clock care, but she needed someone there “just in case.” I would go over and “grandma sit.” We played cards, cooked together, or just watched TV. On two of these occasions, her blood sugar took a nosedive and I found out what “just in case” meant. On one of these low blood sugar bouts, I was unable to get it back up and had to call the fire department (pre-911). Talk about being scared…I was only 12 years old.

I had a great-grandma who I also spent time with, especially when she was not feeling well. She lived a long and happy life and passed away at age 94. There were also great aunts and uncles who at times needed help. My mom, who suffered from depression, was the caregiver of the family, but when she was not able to do it, I took over the reins for her. When she was having trouble doing the household chores, I took it upon myself to fill in. I wasn’t a saint in doing this, because as a young food addict, it gave me control over the shopping and cooking.

By my junior year in high school, I weighed 367 pounds. At this point, the self-hatred and self-loathing were all I could think about. I had no friends. I desperately needed someone to tell me that I was good and that I mattered to them. I only got praises, and what I thought was love, by doing for others. I put my whole existence into caring for other people. I sought out “needy” friends and looked for the underdogs on my job so I could help them. As for my parents, I use to tell people I was “raising two parents.” I lived my life through other people. The thought of being with myself or having a life of my own was out of the question. I was so full of negative thinking about myself that I seriously couldn’t stand being alone.

Then two years ago I came into FA and was asked to put myself in God’s care and put myself before family and friends. This did not go over well with them. For the first time in my life, I was saying “no” when asked to do something. I went to meeting three times a week. I stopped cooking for everyone and stopped doing the majority of the grocery shopping. I felt guilty that I wasn’t taking care of them, especially my mom, who had major health issues. My family told me that I was selfish. They saw my program as the enemy, because it was taking me away from them.

But I was able to get some abstinence under my belt and the weight came off. My family saw the difference in me physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but they still voiced their disapproval over the time I was taking away from them. I had several breaks in abstinence, and most of them can be traced to letting my guilt overcome me and putting my program on the back burner. I was spending more time with my mom, going to bed late, and therefore not getting up early enough to do a full 30 minutes of quiet time. I wasn’t making my phone calls. I began to cook and shop more, even when I had made a commitment to my sponsor not to. I sometimes left meetings during the break, and I didn’t share at meetings. My mind was on my family, not on my recovery. The more I put Program second, the more the old feeling of negative thinking came back. I was trying to make everyone happy and I was suffering because of it. When I look over my breaks in abstinence since I have been in FA, I can attribute them to taking the focus off of my program to care for someone else.

Almost two months ago my mom passed away. For the first few weeks I was busy with all the chaos that goes along with losing someone close. I am still grieving and finding myself in negative thoughts some days. But recently I realized that there is more to my negativity than just the loss of my mom. I became aware that there is no one left for me to take care of! My siblings and their families do not need me to take care of them, as they each have their spouses and children.

For the first time in my life, I am free to take care of myself and not care for anyone else. “How do I do this?” is something I ask myself daily. I have the chance to put myself first, to care for myself above anything else, and I feel like I have no clue how to do it. I find myself wandering around with all this free time on my hands. I no longer plan every minute of my day and I was letting the uneasiness of this go to self-pity and negative thinking. It is easy for me to isolate when I am feeling uncomfortable.

I am working with my sponsor to do things differently. Daily she has to remind me of what actions I need to be taking. I need to work my program and work the Twelve Steps. I need to take action to overcome and change my thinking. So, even when I don’t feel like going to a meeting, I go. When I don’t feel like making phone calls, I do. I need to practice being grateful to God for this life I have. I weighed more than 350 pounds for most of my adult life. I now am 155 pounds lighter than I was when I came into FA, and 217 pounds lighter then I was in high school. I am off all of my anti-depression and blood pressure medications, and my plantar fasciitis is gone. I have more friends than I can count from this fellowship. I have a relationship with my Higher Power and don’t see Him as a punishing force in my life.

I am learning how to take care of myself for the first time in my life. I know that if I don’t take the suggestions and actions my sponsor gives me, I will be right back in the food. I need this FA program to stay abstinent and sane.