A Story of Recovery:
Raft of Recovery
The first time I came to FA, I thought I could run the program my way. I had been working a good AA program and had 27 years of sobriety. The only thing that I needed FA for was to lose weight. I learned the hard way that half measures avail us nothing.
I did lose weight. I went from 200 pounds down to 130 and kept it off for 2.5 years. I weighed and measured my food, and that was about it. I didn’t think I needed to do the other disciplines because I was different, unique. So I ran my program my way. I didn’t have time to meditate. Sometimes I did the phone calls, if I felt like it. I only went to two FA meetings because my third meeting could be an AA meeting. I couldn’t be bothered reading the AA Big Book, because I had already read it many times in AA. I drank caffeine and abused several non-caloric food items.
The day finally came when I had no defense against the thought of eating a flour and sugar product. It was my wedding anniversary. My husband and I went to a nice restaurant. I had a lovely meal. Everything was perfect, and then the waiter came by and asked if we wanted to see the dessert tray. My husband started to say no, but I immediately said, “Yes, I would love to see it!” I looked at my husband and told him that I didn’t think that I had a problem anymore with flour and sugar. I said, “I know I can have just one piece.”
When the waiter brought me the super-sized flour and sugar product I had ordered, it was like being re-united with a long-lost lover. I even told my husband not to talk to me, because I wanted to enjoy every single little bite. I wrapped my arms around the plate so I could have it all to myself. Each bite I took was almost orgasmic. My husband watched in disbelief as I savored each morsel. After I was finished, I declared, “See, I don’t have a problem, I can have just one piece, so on special occasions I think I’ll have just one dessert from now on.” Then the mental obsession started. I suddenly realized that the next special occasion wasn’t for three months. So I immediately retracted my statement and said that I would have a dessert just once a week. By the time we got in the car, I said I would have one piece once a day and that maybe some days I could have two pieces and then skip a day.
The mental obsession was off and running, and it got worse and worse over the next year. My living hell was back full force, and I could do nothing to stop it. The obsession was never-ending, the weight came back, the physical craving was there day and night, and I was making myself throw up two or three times a day. I stopped going to my FA and AA meetings.
My behavior was totally out of control and I lost my job. I was given the choice of retiring or being fired, so I chose to retire. The final blow came when my daughter told me that she couldn’t be around me anymore, and she didn’t want my two granddaughters to be around me either. She said that she didn’t want them to see “crazy Nana.”
I felt like my life was over and I wanted to die. I knew if I didn’t do something, I was going to go back to the alcohol and end up killing myself. The pain was unbearable! So with the desperation that only the dying can have, I crawled back to the rooms of FA. I had lost all hope that FA would work this time, but I had nowhere else to go. This time I got one of those sponsors I used to refer to as an overly strict sponsor. However, it was different for me this time. I was willing to listen and do it someone else’s way. The disciplines became life rafts that I held onto to keep from drowning. I did them all. To make my program squeaky clean, I followed my sponsor’s suggestion to give up the non-caloric “extras” and caffeine, because I was using these things addictively.
My life has changed dramatically. I am no longer “crazy Nana.” I have my husband, three children, and all five granddaughters in my life today. I can be present for them when we talk or spend time together. The mental agony, obsession, and physical compulsions are gone. I am finally neutral where my food is concerned. The disciplines each day are blessings, not chores. They are my gift back to God for the miracle of abstinence that He gives me on a daily basis.
One day at a time, I am able to give back what has been given to me. I sponsor people, tell my story when asked, and share my experience, strength, and hope at meetings. Today I not only weigh and measure my food, I also weigh and measure my time and activities. I live life to the fullest, and I’m grateful to be alive. And I did lose the weight again. I went from 199 pounds down to 139. But the real miracle is that I have my sanity back.