A Story of Recovery:

Rebel Without a Cause

Being 163 pounds at 5 feet tall was a hard pill to swallow. It was much harder than swallowing all the sugar and flower that had put me in that position to begin with.  Having bi-polar disorder with manic depression and severe anxiety, I already didn’t like myself most days. Add the fact that I was extremely overweight, and I was well on my way to not liking myself at all. Most of the time all I wanted to do was escape, not just from the world, but from myself as well.  I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I didn’t realize at the time that the desperation I was feeling would turn out to be such a gift. It was that desperation that got me to my first meeting.

My journey started with me making an excuse as to why I couldn’t go to an FA meeting the first time I was invited. A relative, who knew how I felt about my weight because she was struggling with the same problem, had invited me. The real reason I didn’t go was because I was too ashamed of how I looked, and I didn’t think it was possible for me to give up sugar, flour and junk food. I knew I was a junk food junkie and I didn’t want to be seen as a failure. A couple of weeks later, I was invited again. This time I looked at the person who had invited me and was shocked that she was getting thinner and thinner. I was desperate to lose weight the way she had. I caved and decided to go the next morning.

I showed up at my first meeting with the same large, sugary drink I always seemed to have plastered to my hand. My relative asked me what I was doing and my response was that if I was going to try to give up sugar and flour, I was sure going to have my last hurrah.  I told her that I was going to the meeting, but I wasn’t making any promises. I was terrified. I’d see how it went and even if I decided I would commit, I would start the following morning. I was told I couldn’t bring the drink into the meeting, so I just assumed I’d finish it after the meeting.  I never did finish that drink. My abstinence started at that meeting and I haven’t looked back.

At the beginning of the meeting someone read how the program worked, the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as well as the definition of a food addict and the tools used to work the program. It was all a bit foreign to me, especially the fact that there was even such a thing as a food addict! It wasn’t clicking, at least not until the qualifying speaker got up and told her story.

I hung on her every word. She was me; I was her. Her story was identical to mine as far as her starting weight, her obsession with junk food, her late night drives to convenience stores to stock up on goodies, her multiple rounds through the drive-thru, her hiding how much food she actually consumed in a given day, her ditching friends to go off on a junk food binge, her self-loathing⸺everything! The only difference was that now she was thin, sane and at peace with herself. I wanted what she had. I needed what she had. During the break, after she had told her story, I went up to her and told her how in awe I was of her will power. She told me it wasn’t will power, but her Higher Power. She asked me if I had a sponsor. When I told her that I didn’t she gave me her number and told me she would be happy to sponsor me.

I had no idea what I was in for. I called her the next morning and asked how she was; she very coldly told me it wasn’t about her, it was about me. Where was the nice lady I had spoken with the day before? She then proceeded to tell me exactly what I could eat and what I couldn’t and she insisted I quit drinking caffeine and quit smoking. It wasn’t five minutes into our first conversation that I could feel the regret and resentment building up inside me. I had joined FA to lose weight, not to adopt a dictator. However, I was desperate, so I called her again the next day and again for the next 15 days. My unwillingness to surrender everything had me so frustrated that I looked for a new sponsor. I still wasn’t willing to give up on this program.

My next sponsor was wonderful in every way and I thoroughly enjoyed speaking with her each morning. With my new positive attitude, I was able to look back and be grateful for the strong foundation that my first sponsor had given me.  Then my second sponsor had a break in her abstinence and I needed to find another sponsor. I still have that sponsor today. It was so humbling to realize that I, too, am just one bite away from breaking my abstinence.

Being naturally curious (and rebellious), I questioned everything. Why so many meetings? Why can’t I have this or that? What does caffeine or nicotine have to do with weight loss? Why do I have to call my sponsor so early? Why do I have to read literature or do this tool or that tool, etc.?  I asked and the fellowship answered with open minds and non-judgmental hearts. I really started to lean on this fellowship and the tools of the program, and with each passing day I learned more, surrendered more and battled less.

I finally understood why people talked about their Higher Power, because without God I could not do this program. I have learned that I am not just a person with an over-active sweet tooth; I am a food addict. I understand now why the program addresses not only our physical illness, but also our mental and spiritual illness as well. They are all connected.

The first month I was resentful and miserable. I missed my sugar and flour. I missed my junk food. I was moody and gassy from the total food change, but on the bright side I was losing weight.

The second month the gas subsided, my mood improved, I asked God for help and I started getting more involved with the tools of recovery and my fellow members. I was still losing weight.

By my third month, I had not missed a meeting or a call to my sponsor. I was doing all the tools of recovery, I was still weighing and measuring my meals and learning to give my days to God. I was starting to understand why members would say “Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity.” I was starting to feel more sane and clear than I had in years. I was still losing weight and with the help of God and FA, I was beginning to see a side of myself that I had lost. I was seeing myself in the way that I used to like before I gained weight.

I will be ready to take on a sponsee of my own next week. With the tools of the program, the fellowship and most importantly God, I believe I can help give to a newcomer the gift that has been given to me.

I am one grateful, recovering food addict.