A Story of Recovery:
Rewards of Recovery
Like many people, I grew up celebrating holidays and family gatherings around an elaborate dinner table. I also celebrated birthdays, promotions, and various “wins” with special treats. I drowned my wounded heart and life’s other disappointments with nights out on the town. My thinking was so backwards that I used food items to reward myself for successfully staying on my diet. Inevitably, however, I would give up on the diet and go straight for the treats. Needless to say, I was not a successful dieter.
After 20 years of using food as the ultimate reward, my eating was on autopilot, and it brought me no pleasure. I ate even when my eating became a form of torture, because I would berate myself after every binge and every failed decision to eat better. I was humiliated as I tried to fit in chairs, buckle seatbelts, and complete other tasks people under 350 pounds would have taken for granted. I knocked things off tables and bumped into people as I attempted to squeeze by. I was afraid to go on carnival rides or engage in other activities that could be hindered by my health and size. My doctors, friends, and family attempted to encourage me, but I was so broken that I took it as criticism and belittling.
Then, I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA). When I heard in the meeting format that abstinence meant no flour or sugar, I thought, this is crazy! But I also knew I felt crazy from all the mental warfare with the food.
Despite the logical and obvious idea that eating healthier would make me healthier and lead me to a right-sized body, I was furious at the food plan my sponsor suggested. At one point, I cried out to the air, “You never want me to have [this or that food] ever again?!” My Higher Power very clearly responded, “Who are you to place these food items above everything and everyone I’ve given to you?” That humbling moment was to be the first reward of my recovery—a connection with my Higher Power.
Other rewards of recovery came in rapid succession. I had a feeling of accomplishment when I ate only my committed meals and I didn’t have to beat myself up for another failed attempt. I realized that I could participate in all the things I’d felt I was missing out on, as long as I stayed in program and just kept doing what I was doing. I enjoyed the comfort of sitting in movie theaters and on public transportation without encroaching on neighboring seats. After losing 220 pounds in a year-and-a-half , I was able to find my new, slender sizes in regular stores instead of ordering through the large-ladies catalog. Of course, I met wonderful people through meetings and calls, who listened and shared openly.
The initial rewards were great, but after working the tools of the program on a daily basis and participating in an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the 12 Steps), I have received so much more. A normal body size, neutrality around the food, spiritual fulfillment, and freedom from food—these are the ultimate rewards I have received since I stopped punishing myself through addictive eating.