A Story of Recovery:

Riding the Wave of Recovery

I have been away from the UK and have lived in Costa Rica now for four months. This has been my longest time away from home, and I have been able to do this because of this wonderfully supportive program that has enabled me to follow a dream. The last two big trips I had were to Costa Rica eight years ago, when my addiction crossed that all familiar line of no-return, and the second was when I spent a few months in the U.S., working as a summer camp counselor. Both trips had me use my creative skills to get more food, sneak into communal food supplies, and acquire the general package of misery, remorse, shame, and terror.

I have been abstinent in FA for almost five years, and I have lost 40-50 pounds. Life feels a million miles away from those days of bingeing, living off of the state, attending mental health hospitals, and being dosed up on enough medication to wipe out a small village.

Since being abstinent, life has performed a 180-degree turn. I am now writing this piece sitting in my home in Costa Rica, and I am grateful, happy, and abstinent. Who would have thought that by weighing and measuring a few meals a day and working the tools as so simply laid out, I could be living this kind of a life? I feel that every day, new and wonderful things are occurring for me. The “pinch me” moments have been coming thick and fast since I no longer eat the way I used to. My life today is such a contrast to my pre-FA existence of pain and depression.

Last week was a prime example of a fear grabbing me with both arms.

The opportunity to try surfing presented itself. I was so keen to try this activity, but had a barrel of fears that I, slightly embarrassingly, listed to the surfing instructor. I’m not quite sure what he must of thought as I listed through them all:  What about sharks? What about coral? What if the board knocks me out and I drown? The list was ridiculous. But what would be achieved by not trying? If I didn’t try, I would never know if I actually liked it or not.

It turned out that none of my fears came to be, and I felt so damn proud to have tried something new. I wasn’t, admittedly, blown away by the activity, but am open, (after some yoga lessons to flex up a bit), to try it again. I can’t believe this is me… the girl who couldn’t leave her room for fear of …everything!

Each day I have the opportunity to learn something useful that requires effort, thought, and concentration. I am now in my fifth week of Spanish lessons, and want to be fluent. It amazes me that when I ask for help around my frustration, I can actually absorb new information. It’s astounding how much space is freed up in my mind when I’m not thinking of food all day.

My abstinence is very much at the forefront of each and every day, as misery is but a bite away. The need to work my program, as its been laid out, is essential, and staying connected with FA members is paramount to staying well. I have no live meetings here, but, thankfully, not much has changed from what I was accustomed to in the UK.  I have Skype access, my scale, and my God.

I completely know that I have a God in my life, and when I remember that, I feel safe and secure.  I have had the odd wobble out here, but mostly around emotional things— certainly nothing worth returning to the hell of the food for. My peace of mind and serenity is 100% contingent on my staying firmly within this spiritual path, as I truly believe that there is a place for me here.