A Story of Recovery:

Road Trip

I am Susan and I am a food addict. I am just stunned and amazed at the difference that FA has made in my life. I remember when I was a teenager going on a band trip. I was very socially awkward. Being on a bus with all the other kids was especially difficult because there was no place to hide the fact that I didn’t know how to talk to my peers. I would often pretend that I was sleeping or reading, and that would be my excuse to myself as to why I wasn’t talking with the other kids. I was very ashamed of my near-muteness. I read and “slept” all the way from Oregon to Canada and back. I was a big pretender– fine on the outside, lonely and ashamed on the inside.

Somewhere around my early twenties I went on a camper road trip with my aunt and uncle. By then I had discovered bulimia. I was a little more able to converse with people by that time, but things got awkward for me. I did not have easy access to my drug. I didn’t realize how much I had already become dependent upon food to stabilize my emotions. Food gave me something to look forward to. But in the tiny little camper with the tiny little kitchen I had no control over the food. My aunt was in charge. For a normal person, that would have been great. For me, it was terrifying. I still remember desperately eating a tiny bit of candy and realizing that it was nowhere near enough. My aunt and uncle were out sightseeing or something and I had a panic attack in the camper. I couldn’t use bulimia to relieve my stress. I finally got a good binge and purge in when we went to my cousin’s house for Christmas dinner. I remember feeling completely detached, hard, cold-hearted and powerful. I finally felt in control. I imagined how everybody who saw me was secretly in awe of how thin and cool I looked in my short black skirt and slender, cream-colored sweater. I remember virtually nothing more, even though I was around lots of family. They were invisible to me. It was just about me and my thin body. 

I am 41 now, and came into FA when I was 34. My disease had progressed to the point where I stayed away from family and friends whenever possible. They got in the way of my eating and throwing up. I had more access to the food when I was alone. And the lonelier I got, the more I just wanted to die. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Fortunately, God and FA knew what I needed. When I first came into program, I was completely dismayed by the suggestion to make phone calls. I had mainly used my phone to order delivery food, hook up drug deals or talk to people while alcohol and drugs loosened my tongue. I had no idea what my sponsor was asking me to do and yet I was desperate, so I called. I had a lot of breaks in the beginning and my sponsor said to make 14+ calls if that was what I needed to do in order to not eat addictively. I groaned inwardly at what seemed like a terrible idea but nothing was as bad as the hell of throwing up all day long and all night long for years, so I tried it. Phone calls helped smash my food thoughts and I became a believer. I got abstinent and started to get interested in the lives of my fellows. There are so many cool addicts in FA! I found that I was able to relate to my fellows and began to realize that the honest, loving connections that I had with my fellows were the bright spots in my day. 

Over the years these relationships became stronger. They allowed me to move through each day abstinently. Tough times in life gave me a choice: go back to the food or pick up the phone, talk it through with trusted fellows and walk through the situation abstinently. I also got to be a witness to the things that my fellows dared to walk through abstinently. I was and am inspired. I feel very safe with my fellows. This has encouraged me to move to California to be nearer to my sponsor and my fellows. 

I am have done a fair amount of traveling in FA. It is so much different than the trips that I endured and pretended to enjoy before I came into program. Last weekend I had a little day trip that I went on to visit a fellow. It wasn’t a trip that I went on because I had nothing better to do and couldn’t stand staying home. This was a visit that had been on my heart for a while. The person I wanted to visit has been going through a lot of stuff lately and I really wanted to show up and connect with her in person. We have been talking on the phone for years and I care very much about her well-being. She is a very important part of my recovery and speaking with her brings me closer to God. I talked over my plans with my sponsor to make sure that it would support my recovery and then my FA friend gave me a date that would work for her. The plans around the trip were slow and steady and I really felt prepared. I had my food with me and it was lovely to make calls on the long drive to her house. I did not feel isolated or intensely lonely and powerless to speak like I have felt on so many trips before. I did not feel like an outsider even though I confess I am still socially awkward. But today I know that it is okay to fumble and bumble and LEARN!  And when I stopped at the rest stop and saw a huge vending machine full of road trip treats I was so grateful to have a heart full of FA phone calls. “It’s not going to get me today”, I thought happily. 

I arrived a little early so I got gas and took some quiet time, which is another priceless gift of program. Quiet time really helps me to settle down, get present and hear my Higher Power better. It also helps me to hear the needs of those I am around better too. I really wanted to be present for my friend. The visit was wonderful. God really blessed our conversation. The time flew by, we had lunch and then we said our goodbyes because I had a long drive in front of me.

My Higher Power really blessed the return trip as well. (I never had a sense of being guided and directed by a Higher Power on any trips prior to FA! I was too focused on myself and food.) I had not packed my dinner, with my sponsor’s blessing, because I should have had plenty of time to get home. However there was an accident that added an extra hour to the trip. In the past I would have been extremely anxious about the delay but for some reason I was sheltered from that this time. I made FA calls, got out of myself, listened to FA mp3’s and prayed. If it actually did turn out that there was a problem getting home on time, then I would absolutely call my sponsor. She would guide me through. This program is not about doing things perfectly I am learning. It is about asking for guidance, taking suggestions and rejoicing when things work out i.e. gratitude. I was so grateful that I had felt guided to gas up earlier that morning. I needed those extra minutes. And yep, I made it home in time for my abstinent dinner. Although to other drivers it probably looked like I was the only person in my car, I knew better. I laugh to myself that I really should have used the carpool lane. I was traveling with a car full of God, fellowship and family. In FA, I never have to travel alone again.