A Story of Recovery:

Romancing the Caffeine

When I joined my last AWOL (a group study of the Twelve Steps), I agreed to avoid caffeine for the duration of the AWOL. As in previous times when I had stopped consuming my regular morning caffeine drink, I experienced a three-day splitting headache. Would I never learn?

Although I did not particularly like the substitute beverages I drank, I kept the commitment. As the end of the AWOL neared, I began to have a longing for that time when I could again partake of caffeinated beverages; they were calling out my name more loudly each passing day. Finally, I asked one of the AWOL leaders when that day might be when I could resume drinking caffeine drinks, and she responded, “Why would you want to?” I had no answer for her, but in my mind it was, “Because I want to.”

I continued to romance the thought of that beverage. Eventually the time came, and I brewed a pot with great anticipation, even as the leader’s response echoed in my mind. I took the first mouthful and suddenly realized that it could not live up to my expectations, and I did not really want to swallow it. “Why would I want to…” came back to me. Had I really missed it that much? Did I really need it? Would this be the start of yearnings for other things that I had given up?

I spit out the drink without swallowing and poured the rest of the pot into the sink. I decided that one moment of anticipated pleasure was not worth the cost of where such an indulgence might have eventually led me. I chose recovery.

I realized that this was not unlike what a lot of us experience as food addicts. Certain foods of the past can call out to us. They promise comfort and solace, which they will never be able to deliver. That is when we need to rely on the strength gained from the practice of the tools of recovery and the support of our fellows in FA. We reach out, make a call, and ask for help. I know that when I do, I will always get it.