A Story of Recovery:

Romancing the Food

I was born in Lagos, Nigeria. I loved food and was obsessed with it from a young age. I thought about where I could get food, who was serving what, who was eating what, the kind of food other people had, and how much food I could eat without my mother noticing. I would read books that discussed food, and would fantasize about the food in those books. I recall declaring that I would marry a particular type of protein because I loved it so much! I also recall one day at dinner when my mom served me a huge piece of protein (meant for a family of four-to-six people), and informed me that I was not to leave the table until I had eaten the entire item. She was fed up with me obsessing about food and especially about that protein. I did not finish eating it all, but I tried. And the next day, I wanted more.

I was also obsessed with America and American food. I loved watching American food commercials. To me, the food in those commercials, and American food in general, represented excitement and entertainment, and it sparkled to me. It was as if that food would give me some “thing” that I was looking for.

I moved to America permanently at the age of 15. I began to attend boarding school in New Hampshire. And there, in the cafeteria and other food places, I could finally indulge my obsession with American food without my mother looking over my shoulder, making comments, or trying to control what I ate. I made like-minded friends who enjoyed eating, and we all worked and studied really hard. We used food to help us cope with the workload. The cafeteria was close to my dormitory. We ate late night snacks from the vending machine and dormitory snack shop, and we also bought food from various restaurants.

Food was so accessible, in a way it had never been in Nigeria, and I loved it. But it did not love me. I probably gained 40 pounds or more in boarding school, I am not sure. When I returned home, my mom was horrified at my appearance. I had not noticed how much weight I had gained, but after she pointed it out, I began to associate weight gain with being “bad” and with low self worth. Fear, doubt, and insecurity, which had been present in my earlier years, began to take hold.

In college I actually lost weight because I began exercising and made healthier food choices. My fear, doubt, and insecurity reached a whole new level, however. It was in college when I began to become aware of my attractions toward women, and where I also began to struggle with my career choices. I had known since I was 16 that I wanted to pursue a career as a professional opera singer. But because I am a Nigerian immigrant, I thought that my family expected me to pursue a “practical” career.  I believed that my parents would hate me if I pursued singing, and I was consumed with fear.

Meanwhile, in my personal life, I began slowly exploring what it meant to be with women. I was using alcohol and sometimes drugs. As for food, I still wanted to eat as much of it as I could. I would step back from the food periodically, however, in a half-hearted attempt to lose weight. I talked about weight a lot and envied my “tiny” friends. I still felt big and unattractive.

One day I was sharing about my career woes, and it was suggested that I consider law school. I knew a legal career was not for me, but I was so desperate, that I latched onto the suggestion. I applied, and got accepted to law school in Washington, DC. Law school became one long food and alcohol binge. I would go to receptions mainly for the food and drink, spent weekend nights at home alone with my food and alcohol, and would spend a lot of money on expensive restaurants and bars, even though I was a low-income student.

Despite my struggles, I worked hard. I graduated with good grades, took the bar exam, and passed it. I made half-hearted attempts to look for legal jobs, but I had no interest in practicing law. I eventually took a job as a legal recruiter, and I was miserable. After months of misery and some deep soul searching, I knew I could not continue as I was. I eventually began to redirect my life toward pursuing singing, and I went back to school to obtain a second bachelor’s degree in music.

As I began to move towards singing as a career, my sexuality began to resurface. I realized that I liked and wanted to be with women more than I wanted to be with men. This terrified me, because it meant that I would have to come out to my traditional Nigerian family. I eventually came out to my brothers, and they reacted extremely negatively. Their reaction put me in such a place of fear that I was afraid that I would physically harm myself.

I was using a lot of food; I began to eat items that I never used to care all that much for, especially sugar and desserts. I also continued using alcohol and drugs intermittently. I began a new romantic relationship, and this woman introduced me to the FA program.

I went to my very first FA meeting in Silver Spring, MD. Two women, both with years of abstinence, stood out for me. They were lovely and young looking. When I began to hear them share about fear, doubt, and insecurity, I was floored. I felt like those members were talking about me! I never thought I was a food addict. In my mind, food addicts were 700 pounds and I was just “a little overweight.” But I got the pamphlet with the 20 questions and answered “yes” to 17 out of the 20.

The thought of giving up flour and sugar terrified me. I mean, what would I eat? But over the course of attending several meetings and asking lots of questions from the woman I was dating, I realized that I had to try FA. I was told by a member with long-term abstinence to “jump in.” And I did.

From the very first week of abstinence, I began to feel better. I have been working my program for almost a year and a half, and my life is so much better. I have lost 63 pounds and now wear a size six. I love my body and the way I look. My feelings and thoughts are less intense and overwhelming, and the climate in my head is dialed down and more relaxed. I no longer want to physically harm myself. I have reached a whole new level with my singing, and I am happier than I have ever been.

Fear, doubt, and insecurity still come up. I am not yet ready to come out to my parents, but I know that it will happen in God’s time. In the meantime, I am working all of my tools and I am in an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps). I am slowly realizing that it is God’s will, not mine, and that I am powerless over people, places, and things. Through the FA program, I have stopped gorging myself and harming my body. Instead, I am nourishing my mind, body, and soul.