A Story of Recovery:

Running on Empty

The day of high school homecoming last year was also the day of the choir car wash, the cross-country race, and the dance. I woke up early, ate a very small breakfast, and put on my uniform. The entire time I was at the car wash, all I could think about was my appearance: How do my legs look? Am I flexing enough? I hope I don’t look bloated. I even insisted on wearing my spandex to show off my muscles instead of wearing my sweatpants in the 50-degree weather. In addition to being a food addict and an over scheduling addict, I was also a compulsive runner.

I left the car wash early to warm up for the race. On the way, I ate three flour/sugar products when I was only supposed to eat one. I reasoned that I could not eat lunch or I would throw up when I ran. I ran surprisingly well, and even placed! I was thrilled with my personal record, but was also ravenously hungry. I stayed for the award ceremony, rushed home to change, took the fastest shower of my life, and threw on my dress. I had a very small dinner, because I did not want to look bloated in my dress, and headed out.

Since my first school dance in sixth grade, I have always felt judged, alienated, and awkward, but I’m on student council and had to go to the dance this year. I didn’t dance, focused solely on the food, felt self-conscious in my dress, and had a miserable time.

After the dance, we stayed out late at a friend’s house. I was sore from running, too full from binging and running on an empty stomach, and still miserable. I had raised money, won a medal, gone to the dance with my cute date, and hung out with my friends, so I should have been on top of the world. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

I had seven long months filled with injuries that were made worse by the fact that I kept running even with my injuries. I was under eating, over scheduling, and had emotional breakdowns. My mom took me to an FA meeting, and since then, I have stopped running, gained 14 pounds, and have found peace. I can think rationally, focus on things other than food and my appearance, and make a phone call when I am feeling stressed.

What a difference a year makes. This year’s homecoming dance is next week, and there’s no crazy over scheduling, cross-country race, over eating, or obsession with body image. I will go to my committed meeting in the morning, then help with the dance decorations for an hour. The rest of the day is mine to relax. I plan on dancing in my new dress, feeling peaceful and comfortable in my own skin. I will give myself time to get ready, come home at a reasonable hour, and eat (all of) my three weighed-and-measured meals. Thank you God for showing me FA and helping me truly enjoy my high school experience without the struggles of food addiction.