A Story of Recovery:

Running The Gauntlet

My partner had an operation; it was routine. The last time he had surgery was over 30 years ago, before I came to program. It was for cancer and the chance of him living 5 years was 20%. My reaction to that time was to use food to numb myself. I gained over 25 pounds in the ten weeks he was recovering.

Fast forward to today and the surgery was successful, however, the recovery was not. Fours days post-surgery he was rushed by ambulance back to the Emergency Department. He spent 13 hours in the ED before being admitted back into the hospital. Fear, doubt, and insecurity entered my thinking and the urge to eat was whispering, but I was focused on helping my partner.

At 10:30 p.m. he was finally settling into a hospital bed and I left for home, alone. I was tired, emotionally drained, and stressed; the urge to eat addictively was now screaming in my brain.  There are seven traffic lights between the hospital and my home. When my program is in its place I do not notice what is at the traffic lights. Of course, tonight I had the luck of having to stop at every light. First one, my addictive brain said “look over there at the fast food place. You have had a rough day, STOP in.” Two lights up, another red, another restaurant, and my eyes were tired, and my brain wanted numbing!  I said the serenity prayer three times before that darn light changed to green. There were gas station/convenience stores at the next three lights all open at 11:00 p.m. My thoughts went into overdrive, thinking non-abstinently. I began to salivate!  I haven’t had that emotional reaction in years.

I made it home without stopping, but knew I was still in danger of eating.  I made six quick phone calls and left messages knowing it was late. The last one was to my sponsor – the message was the same, “I am going to eat my favorite sweet food, call me please!”  Saying it out loud struck me; I don’t want to do that.  Like a lightning bolt, it came to me; do some quiet time and go to sleep.  Early the next morning my cell phone started to light up first with texts, then with a phone call – my sponsor – her first words were, “well, did you eat it?”  I was happy to share with her that by making phone calls and doing quiet time I was able to get centered again and wake up abstinent for another day after twelve years in program and a 90-pound weight loss.  Thank you, God.