I have tried to lose weight for the past forty years, but I never stayed on any diet plan for long, and I always regained what I had lost. I tried Weight Watchers three times, a nutritionist, a psychotherapist, Diet Center, a doctor-supervised, liquid-protein diet (three times), Jenny Craig, Weight Loss Center, and my own plans. I followed various diet books by diet gurus, and TV-hyped programs, and went to a hypnotist and a weight-loss specialist. I fell for it all! I’ve been through bouts of depression over being overweight, wishing that I would die because of the pain in my back, legs, and hips. I was taking medication for blood pressure, pain, my heart, indigestion, diabetes, and allergies and was sleeping with a CPAP machine nightly. I was killing myself by eating uncontrollably and would pray at night for God to let me die in my sleep because I... Continue Reading
From the first day of honest and committed abstinence, I have had the gift of waking up without shame for my actions of the day and night before. I used to walk around with constant shame for the secret life I had with food, hidden from the people who knew me. I was not a social eater. In public, I chose diet-type foods, and prided myself for my reputation of not eating sugar and of having vegetables and the “will power” to maintain my normal weight. But alone in the evening, all bets were off, and I dove into sugar and flour with abandon. I used bulimia, exercise, and chewing and spitting out food to keep the weight off. My eating was like that of a hungry animal, voracious and rushed. I would read or watch TV shows while I binged—I did not want to be conscious. A therapist (I... Continue Reading
When I was 23 years old, I had everything going for me. I had amazing and devoted parents whose love I never doubted. I had a wonderful relationship with both of my sisters, whom I saw and spoke to regularly. I had just graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Yale University and had just been accepted to Brown for graduate school. I had a terrific job teaching second grade at a progressive school in Brooklyn, NY. I lived a few blocks away in the basement apartment of my aunt and uncle’s brownstone. That apartment was the envy of my friends because it was so spacious and comfortable. My aunt and uncle and five cousins constantly reached out to me, inviting me to dinner and trying to make me feel like part of their family. I had dozens of college friends and new friends living in the NYC area and I was known for... Continue Reading
I grew up in a pretty strict household, where food was accounted for. I learned early on to sneak food. My father had a strong work ethic and instilled it in me. By 15, I had a part-time job to pay for my school supplies, clothes, and many other expenses. I was very active in my church and high school sports. I became a Boy Scout Eagle Scout, and had a full-time girlfriend. By 18, my father and stepmother asked me to leave my home, and I set out to find my way in the world with not a penny in my pocket or any idea how to manage my life. I was bitter and pissed and felt that God and my family had abandoned me. But I told myself I was going to make it in spite of it all. Nearly a decade prior to coming into Program, I... Continue Reading
There I was again; my own insecurity was complicating the simplest of tasks. I had been in FA for 15 months, lost 100-plus pounds, and marveled at the changes in my body, mind, and spirit. I could now show up and participate in life…but I still was insecure. My neighbor had asked me if I minded watering the plants, getting the mail, and feeding her son’s goldfish while they were away for a few days. I fed the goldfish a “pinch” of food a day as she had instructed. Wow, was my pinch the same as hers? After all, I am a food addict. Could that be enough for the little guy? A little more couldn’t hurt. The next day I found the goldfish swimming funny. Surely it wasn’t the amount of food I gave him. No, I couldn’t have overfed him. By day three he was a floater—dead. I... Continue Reading
